I Know You Want To be Here, But I Feel Closer to You There

 

As you all know, Dad and I are in Kauai and Julie went to Provo/Idaho. I really wanted to be with my kids and Cassie really wanted to be back in Kauai.

I texted Cassie, "You must be homesick. Once again, we find ourselves emotionally tied and not together." Cassie had posted a message on the Kaleheo fb page. She texted "Everyone is excited to meet you!! Just have fun. I know you want to be here...But I feel closer to you with you there meeting the people that took care of me when I missed home."

I wonder if the Lord is preparing us for the future. I hope we can be together often and live close. I feel like I've sacrificed my whole life for that and want it so badly that it brings me to tears often (just ask Michelle, she's my "Crying Buddy" on this one:) ) But Cassie's words took on a deeper meaning, "I know you want to be here...But I feel closer to you with you there meeting the people that took care of me."

I think of Norma. We miss her. We know she would want to be here, but I also know that she has been close to you, even closer to you - when you are doing and going where you should be. I know she has been with Carly when she was in Argentina, I know she was with Cassie during her tough times, was helping Katie move away from the dark and towards the light as she went to her gravesite every month on the 19th. I'm sure she was with Danny when in stressful times he stops to watch a sporting event and realizes that Norma is there to cheer him on. I'm sure she is there when Julie gets into one of her creative moods and gets into a project, like she and Norma would play. And I'm sure she was there to witness George's birth, when I was not. Norma would want to be here with us, but she is actually closer now than she would be. It is a good thing.

It also brought Dad and I to tears, as one is rolling down now... as we went to church in Kaleheo, where Cassie spent the last 9 mos of her mission. So many love Sister Lang! I can't describe it. She made a difference. We were met with leis. People were excited. They were choked up and held back tears talking about her (and that was the men, as well as the sisters). The Bishop and others said that there will be generations that will know her name, that it will grow and will flow back to Sister Lang. He said that she is everything you would want a missionary to be. Thank you for raising such a wonderful girl, we heard over and over. They LOVED her!

To know that one of your children made such an impact on people's lives makes me feel something I can't really explain...it makes my life meaningful, like my whole life was spent to prepare this child for this one event and it was all worth it. If for that one child to have one moment like this - it gives all meaning and purpose to life. If there was nothing else - it would be enough. Enough that it brought Dad and I both to cry about it as we talked about the feelings we were feeling.

And then, to have 6 children who I know have done similar things (I know there are people in your missions that love you like they love Cassie) AND will continue to do these things, it makes me proud, but also completely humble. I feel slightly like John the Baptist when the Savior came to be baptized. I feel honored and humble, "the latchet of whose shoes I am not worthy to unloose."

Now, Carly may be thinking "I wish I didn't have to be a Traveling Sister" (or whatever they called you). Cassie has said how she wishes she learned another language. I know Danny and Jamie both loved their missions, but may be thinking that they wish things would have been different.  And I would be saying, "I wish I could have served" and "I want us all to be together often and to all live close", but what I know is that the Lord will guide us.

This is from Emily Beukers email this week.
God has a plan. A lot of things don't make sense at times but every time I have doubted God he has ended up being right in the end. There's a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Everything I have seen makes me trust the creator for everything I have not seen."

"I know you want to be here, but I feel closer to you there!" I'm grateful that we are close!

"You've got mail! "

I just wanted to say that this blog makes me eager like a small child on Christmas morning. I'm like a missionary waiting for mail. I really look forward to hearing what is happening with everyone, so much so that on Mondays I'm checking almost hourly (George willing) to see if anyone has posted anything new. Even if you didn't do much, it means a lot to me. I know everyone is busy, maybe print out your post and glue it in your journal for a personal record of your week, or something so you can kill two birds with one stone. I love you all and your posts are special to me.

His grace!

Okay, I know that I have not posted in a while so I will try and write two. The worst part was I had totally written something last week in my journal that I was going to share and then completely forgot to post it. So that will be right now (this is my break from a paper that is due tomorrow and studying for a test tomorrow ;))
     Today I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the things I have been given. I was able to finish my thiamin project and still get to bed at a decent time. I managed to see a movie with Amy and Maddison and build that relationship, I served Kennedy when I brought her back dinner because she hasn't been feeling well with we don't know what. I helped Dorff find the admissions office so he can petition to get into BYU. I spent time with Paul Morris (an Elder from my mission) when he came home. I am seeing Sister Duke and the Kawasakis tonight! I supported the RS Enrichment night, I made it to Poly dance class and institute when I was feeling a little panicked about the presentation that I wasn't sure how long it would take me. I went to institute and then had a volleyball game that didnt start till 9:30- I invited Mckenzie and Carlos to come and they did. I was hoping to work on my presentation while waiting for volleyball but since no one showed the few people needed more hands to play and how do I say no when then I know it will be miserable for everyone else. I shaved my legs when I was tired. I reached out to Rachel even though our plans fell through. I have been graced to be able to get all of these things done. I have scheduled my appointments to get volunteering at the hospital, I have set up a time to learn family history with Kyle Clawson, and I did my first new names at the temple and did really well! I texted Pono because I came across his favorite scripture- I miss him! I sent off E. Uaisele's letter and found Kyles and need to send that one off. It is all coming together and it is not because of me. I would maybe have the strength to do one of those things on my own everything else was because of His Grace. He gives me so much strength to help those around me. T I read my scriptures today in 2 Nephi 28:30 "line upon line..." I came here to Provo with lots of questions and not wanting to be here but knowing I was supposed to be here so I stayed. I wasn't excited about so many missed sundays with regional conference then temple dedication. My answer came in the temple dedication when President Monson said, "Go to the temple and you will find your purpose." Well, I went and I felt like I need to work there and as of week 2 I love it. I have found lots of beauty here in Provo even though I am so cold. I have tried to stay busy, ask a friend I am always doing something or supporting someone and that makes me happy. I am so tired but there isn't anything that I would take out if I didnt have to. I asked, "Why do you love me so much?" "Because you are my daughter and are so special.""I know I am special because You could never create something ordinary." We are all given gifts and if we give Him ourselves He will magnify our gifts and grant us more. Today I feel Him close and I am so grateful for that!"
   That was from a few weeks ago. We really are so blessed and it is because of our willingness to give what we can and His grace! I love you all :) 

"Choose Wisely" by Quentin L Cook

Jon and I try to attend "Friday forum" every week. The institute here has sign up sheets and people take turn using the institute budget to cook a meal and or share a musical number. Then after people have their lunch, we listen to a talk, usually from general conference, or a guest speaker from the stake and then discuss the talk. Well I have really enjoyed the past two weeks, but I'm going to focus on this Friday's talk which was by Quentin L Cook from this past general conference during Priesthood session. And more specifically about two things he mentioned. He said "decisions determine destiny" and that "we need to "rise above rationalizations and distractions".

1. Rationalizations. He related a story of a young man who said he wanted to go on a mission and was avoiding serious sin but still was not doing what he should. He was rationalizing, thinking that avoiding wrong was all he needed. The guest speaker from the week before in Friday forum and talked about the 13th article of faith and how we should be seeking after what is good and praiseworthy instead of just avoiding r-rated movies (as an example). I had a companion who told me a visual representation that has stuck with me. On one side is a cliff, where we can fall, and on the other side is Jesus Christ. In between the two is space to walk. She pointed out that our goal in life should not be to show how brave we are by walking the cliff's edge, but how close we can get to the Savior. It is not enough to avoid wrong, we need to make good choices that are consistent with our covenants and will help prepare us for where we want to go. I'm not perfect and some of the TV shows jon and I watch may not be the best out there, but we're trying. One thing we have started doing (and there is one movie we have not seen despite Jon's family saying it was really good because of it) is looking at imdb's page for a show or movie we're considering watching and we look up the parents guide. I feel it is a valuable tool that allows you to know what nudity, violence, language, adult material, etc, might be in it.

2. Distractions.  Quentin L Cook says, " I believe Elder Dallin H. Oaks’s inspired message distinguishing between “good, better, best” provides an effective way to evaluate choices and priorities.19 Many choices are not inherently evil, but if they absorb all of our time and keep us from the best choices, then they become insidious. Even worthwhile endeavors need evaluation in order to determine if they have become distractions from the best goals." I really like Elder Oaks' talk and have been meaning to reprioritize now that I have George. What are the most important things I need to get done each day? And then I need to do my best to at least get those things done and if I have extra time I can work on good or better pursuits after the best have been completed. It was like the story with Mary and Martha. Martha was trying to get household things done so they could all enjoy a nice meal and tidy home, but Mary chose to listen to the Savior. Mom said she didn't used to like that story because she felt she had a lot in common with Martha. Mom is a hard worker and similar to Martha, but her priorities were similar to Mary. They were about taking care of her kids first and her relationships. There is nothing wrong with taking care of the house, as long as our relationship with God, spouse and family has been worked on first. Those relationships are what is best, and a little time on our selves too to replenish our souls and allow us to keep going. I need to realize that, although dirty dishes stress me out, and although they are important, my relationships with God, Jon and George are more important. When we listened to the talk I thought about Nephi and his brethren going to get the plates. The first time they were trying to be obedient but had no plan, that was a good choice. Then they made a plan to be obedient, a better choice. Then last, Nephi went with the plan of relying on the Lord- the best choice. Sometimes our choices are best when we include the Lord, sometimes it's a matter of whether or not to do family history, spend time with family, or clean- all good things. This last week I've decided I need to figure out what is best for me at this time in my life. Obviously, school is and reading scriptures. I have to figure out when I can do other good things without neglecting myself, Jon or George- things like exercise, and housework and visiting teaching and being a member missionary.

Don't Be Too Busy - It's the Little Things that Matter Most

So another week and so many not posting. Busy, I understand, I'm busy. Feel like there's nothing special happening, I understand, every day I clean and work until I'm exhausted. But I'm going to take a minute. I thought I would try to post photos this week since I"m here in Indiana with George.

Moments Matter - Yes, we want to achieve big things and dream big. I love sunsets and the end of a day with all it's magnificence. Often Dad will call me and tell me to walk outside. I'm so grateful he'll call. I'm even more grateful that he notices. The Beauty, The Moment.

Today I worked hard - went on a drive with George and Jamie, Target, Sam's Club, Michael's, the grocery store. We unpacked the dining room and finished the kitchen. I did four loads of laundry and made four loaves of chocolate chip banana bread (for neighbors and Jamie's doctors that have been so nice). But I looked out her kitchen window just as the sun was setting. She has two large oak trees that grow together and look like one tree. It's beautiful. There's still a few leaves on and many leaves all over the grass. If I look to the right I can see the sunset. It wasn't anything memorable, but it was precious. It felt good. I thought "I'm glad that Jamie can look out her kitchen window and see the sunset." It's a little thing.

As we were driving to a little town near by, Nashville, I did see something that was magnificent. It was a country road. It was a windy day, but not gusty. The leaves were falling like a soft snowfall. As we drove around a turn there was a wave of leaves that covered the whole road, rolling towards us. It moved and swirled like it had a life of its own. I wish I had been able to video it, but it was gone in a moment. It was a little thing.

I pick up George often just as he is waking up and letting us know that he needs us (well most often he needs his Mommy). As I pick him up he brings his elbows up by his face and arches his back, stretching. It's so cute and he's so into it, it almosts makes me sigh and stretch. I want to just hold him and squeeze him and love him. It's a little thing.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. It's suppose to rain and get colder. There will be more work. Jamie has her Spanish class a

Jumbled Puzzles.

So Halloween was this last week... definitely not my favorite holiday, but I am glad it's over!

School is going by so fast and it is making me nervous about being a big kid and graduated from college. I register this week for classes. I had an interview for a job (that I didn't even apply for but my teacher recommended me) this last week.

There just seems to be so much going on and too many options. I have been trying to focus on what my direction should be.

Life is good. Life is great! It's so different lately and it's weird being in Rexburg. I think part of it is that I have changed and then part of it is that Rexburg is different from before.

Dating is terrible... no promising prospects (sorry to Katie who wanted me married before she leaves on her mission haha).

I've just been struggling with my calling. I've been doing everything required but a lot of groups have some people that consistently don't come to FHE and they'll do things that they think those people would like to do or push the time to be later but they still don't come. I'm at a loss. Sometimes free-agency is terrible and you wish you could just force everyone to come! Haha but it's been different. As a missionary, you have a nametag on. People expect you to tell them churchy things and what they should and shouldn't be doing. Once you come home, they don't look at you the same. I can't just prance into an apartment and preach to them about how FHE is a commandment and they need to be going. I've had to think creatively about what I can do to help these people as part of my calling. I know the Lord will bless me with small ways I can help.

Anyway, this is so jumbled, but it goes along with how things are. My life is kind of all over the place even though it's going great!

I've just been grateful that inbetween all of my jumbled things going on that the Lord somehow shows me in the smallest ways how much I am loved. It is sometimes really small, but just a little reminder is all that is needed.

This last week, my roommate wrote me a nice note saying she looked up to me! It was just a nice reminder that the Lord is happy with what I'm doing and I couldn't tell you anything about the future, but I'm going to keep chugging along until I can solve the jumbled puzzle.

Making time for what's important and tears

So this week I'm not entirely sure what to write. George is growing and eating and pooping a lot and I love him a lot. A few random thoughts:

First tears. George is now crying real tears and it makes me cry. And as Jon put it, we had our first casualty yesterday. George has scratched his face and in two spots looks like he made himself bleed (not the casualty part) so I looked at his nails and several were long and scratchy. So I decided to cut them. I was trying so hard. It took me a few minutes to make the first cut and I was sure I had just the nail. I cut poor George and he started crying. I held him tight and started to cry too. I know (logically) that George will need to experience pain and struggle and cry and what not to grow. But there's a part of me that doesn't want him to experience any pain-especially pain caused by me. I'm sure it's inevitable. I'll likely hurt him again. I hope the first time his fingers get smashed in a door or something that it's not my fault. I may one day say something that hurts his feelings without meaning to. But I hope when I realize I've hurt this guy, or even if I'm not the cause of it, that I'll be there to hold him. I'm sure Mom has felt this way as well as Dad and our Heavenly Parents and Jesus.

Second- trying not to be busy. The first part of George's life has been hectic. His mom is tired and recovering, although I'm able to carry him IN his car seat now and the diaper bag too. But on top of the normal stuff, we flew across the country, got him used to a pacifier (which I don't think is bad but all the new parenting books would disagree with how young we did it), gave him his first bottle, left him for the first time for two hours, packed and moved and cleaned. Granted I didn't do most of that but I was trying to help and it meant that we were always on the go and hoping he'd be asleep. So today I promised myself to focus on George and me. We've slept and talked and played on his tummy for tummy time, listened to some music, ate, changed his diaper and his clothes once from a blow out, and listened to a chapter from the book of Mormon, first in English and then in Spanish. I also managed to do some dishes and some Spanish homework during his last nap and if he stays asleep after I write this, I'm taking another nap. I'm trying to make sure I'm not too busy for George. After today I'll need to find a balance of George time and working and cleaning but today has been nice to just do little but spend time with George.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Looking out Jamie's kitchen window

Twin Oaks

It's November. Halloween is over. Yay! Now it's time for an Attitude of Gratitude. Time to get ready for the holidays - Thanksgiving and Christmas!

Dan loves me even though I'm fat and it's not easy to love myself. He believes in me and thinks I can do anything. Sometimes it's hard because I feel...maybe taken for granted, but he honestly thinks I'm so wonderful that I CAN do anything. I'm grateful for that.

I have too many flaws to be perfect. But I have too many blessings to be ungrateful. I am a SWAN (And I have children that remind me of that) and I can be beautiful in my imperfections.

As I've gotten older I've learned to look at trials differently. I see how past trials were challenges and then they became strengths and now they are a blessing. I'm grateful for my trials and the ability to overcome trials.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I've learned that if you watch yourself carefully and change when things first start churning, it is much easier. I remember reading the Book of Mormon and having a "Softened Heart" always stood out. (This time reading it's funny. What stands out is how many times Nephi points out "He/We dwelt in a tent". Don't know what the lesson to learn on that is. Haha). I'm grateful for my home. I remember praying to have my heart softened. I practiced it and found how easy it was to change, when the thoughts appear and you include the Lord. Sometimes we don't like change. I know today is Daylight Savings and it will be getting dark much sooner. It will take me a few weeks to get used to it. But aren't we glad we can change? Aren't we glad that we have the choice? We may not be able to change the situation, but we can change the way we react to the situation. We choose to be happy. We choose to love. We choose to forgive. We choose to serve the Lord. And as we change, we choose to become better and better.

So this week I left George to come back home. It took me a little by surprise when I got choked up leaving. I had to go into the restroom and cry in one of the stalls for just a minute. It's ok and I'm grateful to be a Grandma. He's so cute and I'm grateful that I could be there to visit and to love and help and support. I'm grateful that I can work and make a difference.

I'm grateful when my children (Carly, Cassie, Katie, Jamie and Michelle) will send a text or call. I'm glad that they see the importance in keeping connected. It makes me happy. It makes me feel loved.

I'm grateful that I think to serve others and help others. It reminds me how much I love others. I've enjoyed cleaning Julie's room and it feels good. I love to see all of you caring for others.

Gratitude makes me a happy person. I choose to be grateful. Life is Good!

xo Mommy