Burdens and Trials - Listen to Your Heart - Find Jesus There - Do

There's a story of a little boy that has serious heart issues. The doctor tells him that he is going to cut open his heart to see what's going on in there. The boy cheerfully replies, "You'll find Jesus there". The surgery happens and the findings are bleak. The little boy has no hope of survival. The doctor feels despondent and is angry with the Lord. Why? His bitterness is intensified when he remembers his feelings that he's had. His wife died a year ago and there seems to be no reason why. Then he remembers the little boys remarks, "You'll find Jesus there."? It's a long night and the doctor can't get that out of his head. He goes early to the hospital to visit the boy and let him know his findings. The boy is still sleeping. The doctor sits quietly pondering and after a time the boy wakes up. He looks at the doctor and asked, "What did you find?" The doctor pauses and said, "You were right, I found Jesus there."

Life is never going to be easy. It wasn't suppose to be.  Life's purpose is not to avoid trials and they aren't just to endure. We are to lay our burdens at his feet, we are to put on the armor of God which is light, and we are to stand strong amidst our trials. And THEN, we need to find hope and truth and light in knowing that all things are for our good.  Not necessarily how we would want them, but for our good. Usually it's not what we want and that's how it's suppose to be. Mosiah 24:14,15 (which in my scriptures is marked in red and has Carly's name by it with the date 11/13 and now Cassie's name with the date 3/15:
And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

And in the next verse:
And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the  Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

If the atonement is real, then if you have faith and patience, the burdens will be made light. The test is "How much will we LET the Lord help us?" It's hard to let go, to walk in the dark, we're afraid to fall.   It's being on that cliff and having to jump off and I have to laugh thinking of how hard that was for Deanie in Hana years ago. We are strong women (since Danny doesn't write much) and we are talented. It's easier to do things ourselves and to be in control than it is to let someone else help us. Why? Because we either think we can do it or we want to prove that we can do it. Or is it because we know we can do it better than someone else? It's great to reach for the stars and have high goals. The Lord can make impossible things possible. So I think the key is to always "Make" the time to listen to the Lord. And after we hear - DO - what he tells us. When we keep plugging along and not making the time, the path gets dark and lonely until we feel hopeless. That is where Satan wants us to go. When we are feeling like the burdens are heavy we need to stop and feel the Savior's love. I have been so impressed with how Cassie has done this this semester. She'll take a walk on Sundays, serve others, listen and do what she feels the Lord wants her to do. We all realize she has too much on her plate and as she takes off all that she doesn't need there, it will still be heaping full. The mission has prepared you for this. Do the "Samoan Roll" and take one bite of a time. It's one of those days when you've got 3 dinners to eat. Those polynesians know how to do it and with joy! haha (Actually it doesn't seem that they eat as much as they are trying to make you eat. Maybe that's their secret - get someone else to eat it so you don't have to. I'll have to think about that).

Burdens and trials will always be there. Listen to your heart. Find Jesus there. Let him comfort you and show you the way. I have been trying to do this. As I was listening the other day, "give your husband a compliment each day". My first thought was how can I do this, we don't even talk and he's passive aggressive and is being a total baby right now. And I know that he will stay like this longer than I will be able to stand it. So what do I do about it? I compliment him. The first one wasn't really honest, but it was something he wanted to hear. I told him it looked like he had lost some weight. It might have been honest, but I hadn't really noticed. The next day it was "Thank you for doing stupid things". We were talking about Julie's car that she will be getting soon. I'm still having a hard time with it. And yesterday I laid in bed and couldn't think of one or how to say it. We are at least talking now and you can see that I'm not doing a great job at all. But if I listen to the Lord and do what he tells me, miracles will happen. So I will keep trying.

I love you all so very much and I am very proud of you. AND I think I am most proud of you when you do fall, and pick yourself up, apply the atonement, and get on with life. And when you do that you just become more beautiful to me!!!

MUAY! and these words ring true for me today - Cherish ... Fricken Wow!!!!! Go TEAM SWAN!

xo Mommy

Hope

This lady week. Tuesday I went to a friend's house and dressed up "Georgina"- a one time thing that I didn't plan on sharing on Facebook. Oh well. That night was a relief society activity on scripture study. I went late because George had not been sleeping well and when he took a nap I decided I wasn't going to wake him. It was good-they talked about family scripture study, personal scripture study and studying as a couple. All of my scripture study could be improved. I'm going I will have a routine down by the time George can remember. Jon and I have tried now and then but we're not great. Several people mentioned that they feel a gospel conversation with their spouse is more important than reading scriptures with them. So I want to start discussing what we learn in our personal studies and share testimonies in a sense each day. This also means I'll have to read daily to have something to share.

Wednesday I took a lady (I now visit teach her) to a doctor's appointment. I then went shopping, briefly, for George and got him some plastic animals! I want him to have done of the basics- a shape toy (like a shape sorter), animals, eventually some type of car and train set. .. but different things so he can explore, create, learn, and experience different types of play. Anyways, then I picked up George, went back to get the lady and took her to the pharmacy. I waited for her there-i think it took an hour-but a long time. I locked the doors and fed George in the back seat and got him out to play. Jon picked up subway and we ate in the car. Then I dropped her back off at home. I got home and had a little while before going out with the missionaries. We went to a member's home who lives about 30 minutes away to teach his brother. George slept for part of the drive. The member, brother Thomas asked to hold George. His wife has been gone for a few weeks visiting grandkids around the country. Brother Thomas asked if he could feed him applesauce, so I said sure.  George's first applesauce. We left a little before planned because of an incoming snowstorm. I dropped off the missionaries but invited the sisters back for dinner before institute choir. (Choir ended up being canceled due to snow).

Thursday we went grocery shopping and then I didn't go anywhere else with George. Friday was world day of prayer. RaeAnn, a friend here, had offered to host it at our church and helped put together part of the program. I guess every year the organization picks a country that writes a program and prayer that is said all over the world, but then there's some flexibility within the program. She had asked me and some others to sing a primary sing that fit with the theme. For the scripture reading, she used a part of one of the new videos or church has. She also used clips of the Mormon tabernacle choir and had a lady in our ward give a talk about how the theme for this year applied to her. It had to do with the Savior washing his apostles feet and saying do you know what I have done for you? The lady  (since I've been here) recently had her 4th child. Things were normal until her 7th month and she started experiencing a lot of pain. There were many complications and a lot of blood. I can't remember how much blood but it was a large amount. I have a friend who works in labor and delivery and also helps in emergency cases and she said she's never seen anything that bad before. Both her and her baby are a miracle. And then after there was food that's common to the country (this year was the Bahamas). Anyways, that was good and fun. I missed institute but we went to the married class that evening. It was on callings.

Saturday we went to the ymca, and then to red lobster for lunch. Oh, Friday, jon talked to one of the teachers on his committee about the test. She had given two questions and I guess passed one but "hadn't wanted to".I guess it said to discuss something about 8 arias briefly. The other question said to use complete sentences and this one did not, so jon used bullet points. She gave a time limit of 30 minutes and I guess was mad that his interpretation of briefly was not complete sentences and was not over 8 pages long. (I don't know how you could both gather your thoughts and write over 8 pages of complete sentences in just 30 minutes). Anyways, the other question had to do with tenor roles he's performed. When telling him what to study she said she wanted his approach to the roles and his experience performing them. When writing this way she said it was too personal and that he was an arrogant tenor thinking his approachwas what the world revolved around. Jon didn't say anything back to her, but I guess she didn't actually want any of his personal experience or approach at all. Red lobster was jons choice,as a result of that meeting (we try to go out once a week). We brought these mesh food things for George and I put some potato from my soup in it (which he really liked) and then some broccoli.   After we went to the library and then I think home again.

Stake conference was rescheduled for this week and it was all about the temple and genealogy work. It was good and we sang in the choir. Bishop and his family watched George for us. Then this evening I had choir rehearsal! This is exciting because it's just me and it's paid! The first time I'm getting paid to sing ($250- a little more than $10/hr of rehearsal and performance time). It's an interesting piece by John Adams about 9/11... not sure why they're performing it in April though. .. I told them I often sing 2nd soprano but occasionally am asked and like to sing 1st soprano. Well I got there and they assigned me as 1st alto. Oh well. So I went with it. The lowest note is not very low but there are times when the 1st Altos are singing a high g (1st soprano range). It will be difficult but fun I think. :-)

Something fun- we're trying to organize a group to do a musical concert for kids. Songs we might do include: Skinnamarinkidinkidink, banana phone (by Raffi ), and maybe the theme to pink panther? And others. Just fun songs that introduce kids to different instruments and songs and types of music. We have friends with young kids who might be interested who can play the trumpet, jazz piano (and just piano),trombone, guitar, clarinet, violin, french horn and flute. If people are interested they'd learn to play a few songs and we'd see if the library would host it (they have a small theater where they do other things for families and kids )or somewhere else. We'll video tape it if we can put it together.

Spiritual thought comes from the relief society activity on scripture study. They had us divide in groups and practice a group study session and had picked out this talk for one of the groups. First off, the whole talk is good, "the infinite power of hope" by dieter f. Uchtdorf, October 2008, but I specifically liked this quote: "Is it possible to imagine a more glorious future than the one prepared for us by our Heavenly Father? ...No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” 26"

At times I have to remind myself that there is nothing better than God's plan for me, even when it's not turning out how I wanted. He is perfect. He will not lead us astray. The reward and what He is preparing for us, we could not want anything more. But when we don't see the end result sometimes it's hard to remember to have hope in this statement. Can you imagine a better life, a better reward, than the one that a loving Father and perfect God has planned for you?

And pictures:

Summary of a Catch Up

I know this is going to be a marathon post and I am sorry for that. I have not really written the entire semester and for that I am once again sorry. I think some of you know what has been going on but maybe not all of you (aka Mom, Carly, and Katie to a point). Life has been hard and I have felt extremely overwhelmed to the point of tears. I wrote the following about 2 weeks ago- one of the crying days and decided to not post it because I did not want a million phone calls from everyone but decided that was dumb. (Though I still do not want everyone to call me because I am doing fine.)

Well, I think it has been a month of not writing. A missionary is taught that you should only feel happy. We are the “icon” of the church. We should be smiling and full of the  Spirit. Well, dang it that is not how it is. Somedays are just crappy. I have missed feeling so much and I have prayed so many times to just let me be able to write again… I felt like it was something that was taken from me when I was called as a missionary. Well, today I finally felt the need- I felt the familiar feeling of, “Cassie you need to leave. Get out and go somewhere. Well I did and now I don’t feel it anymore and I hate iIT!!!! Why is this so hard? I am finally being raw- I am scared! I am terrified of my future. Where is it gong? I feel like I am spinning out of control and I understand anorexic people wanting to be able to control at least one thing in their life. I know that Mom, Carly and Katie are worried about me. I have lost 20 or more pounds since being home. I am not sure how much was lost healthily. The fact is this, I like being skinny but I never lost it by intentionally stressing myself out and not eating. I am working on being healthy; to keep the same weight but keep it off in a healthy way. Friday, confirmed to me that I need to slow down. I have been having a good amount of impressions that I am doing too much; but, I am prideful and did not want to admit to myself that I couldn't do everything as much as I want to do. I am being humbled. I have had the thought, “Cassie, you are promised to be healthy, strong and physically able if you follow my commandments.” Others have been, “If you want cancer- keep pushing yourself till you break, until your body shuts down and then how much more of a failure will that be? I hate having to admit that I just am not strong enough. Oh right, what really scared me was friday; I almost fainted twice while at the hospital. I dont know what caused it variables include: being on my period, stress, lack of sleep, depriving myself of lots of things like peace of mind, or the fact that I could see this guys intestines (but thinking back on it really doesnt bother me. I had just eaten a real meal (not just a handful of carrots and almonds) so  I cancel out low blood sugars or lack of water because I have been drinking at least 6 glasses for the past month, (you all should be proud of that fact). I did not like that I did not know why this was happening and maybe it was a fluke thing or maybe it was Heavenly Father saying, “No, my child; please, stop pushing yourself more than I am asking. In stake conference today I realized that I put my expectations of myself above that of Heavenly Fathers sometimes. Also, the fact that He is trying to tell me that now is the time for me to learn how to take care of myself so that I can better serve Him the rest of my life. I talked to the hospital, they are not happy that I will be leaving in April; I felt a little bad but I dont think I care. I now need to call my shift coordinator and figure out how being released as a temple worker is done. This one I feel bad about. I do not want to stop; but I know that Heavenly Father has carried me this far into the semester without failing out and now He is saying it is time to stop when the temple is more a cause of stress than peace.

I finally did something for me- I just wrote when I really should be studying for a test that i am taking late tomorrow. Life is still good but I feel very lost and confused. I wanted to date for the first time ever in my life so I prayed for it. This past month I have gone on more dates than I have in my entire life combined I would guess. It has been fun, it has been incredibly flattering because I know that I am decent looking but I think I am just above average- I am not crazy beautiful and my makeup is never done to make myself look flawless. I dont put out just for fun. I am not over the top flirty, I am athletic but no speciality. I do not follow tv shows, actresses or movies and so I get left out of a lot of conversations. I can hold a tune and sing in a choir but not really a good solo voice. I am smart but I work my butt of for the grades I get. I know the stories of the scriptures but cant tell you where any of them are. So, I have been dating and let one of the guys die down, another I need to talk to this week and I feel awful that I have to end things with I am just not attracted to you there is nothing about you that is wrong I just do not feel it; and I think he wants to go forward. The one person I do want to date is so dense that he won’t make a single move! If I want it bad enough then I am going to have to tell him point blank. Dating has its owns stresses and problems. 

Fast forward to now: I am pretty sure that I live for sundays! It is the only day where I feel peace for more than 5 minutes at a time. Its the day when I won’t let myself work because its against the commandments (but I have thought about it multiple times) I have my first C after the past test. And Yes, mom I know that I should bring my grades up and yes that I took to much on. But plenty of people hold a job and go to school (wether they get As and Bs like me I do not know.) I have my goals to raise my B and current C back to As. And since the only guy I have actually wanted to date since being home from the mission friend zoned me this week. I think this is a reasonable goal. And yes it hurt a little more than I wanted it to. My dating streak has come to an end- now back to the library for late and lonely nights. I guess the library is how I cope. I can control how much home work I do and then hopefully get the As I expect of myself. Life is still good- even though there are a lot of things that stress me out if I start to think past the next 30 minutes- there is still a lot to be grateful for. I am so grateful that Katie and Carly came down this weekend. I loved playing waterpolo with Katie. And sometimes, I am so grateful that I can be immature with her and laugh a lot and do stupid impulsive things that Carly does not approve of ;) I am grateful for eternal families and especially the one that I have. 

I am grateful for Alma 13:27-30, “And now, my brethren, I wish from the inmost part of my heart, yea, with great anxiety even unto pain, that ye would hearken unto my words, and cast off your sins, and not procrastinate the day of your repentance; But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek, submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering; Having faith on the Lord; having a hope that ye shall receive eternal life; having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter int his rest.” So, I am trying to become this scripture and have faith, hope that my life will go according to His plan, and to never let myself loose my ability to love all those around me no matter the circumstances that are happening in my life at the moment. I am very excited to come home for spring and summer and to finally feel at home for the first time probably since high school. I love you all and please know that I am doing okay.