I Know You Want To be Here, But I Feel Closer to You There

 

As you all know, Dad and I are in Kauai and Julie went to Provo/Idaho. I really wanted to be with my kids and Cassie really wanted to be back in Kauai.

I texted Cassie, "You must be homesick. Once again, we find ourselves emotionally tied and not together." Cassie had posted a message on the Kaleheo fb page. She texted "Everyone is excited to meet you!! Just have fun. I know you want to be here...But I feel closer to you with you there meeting the people that took care of me when I missed home."

I wonder if the Lord is preparing us for the future. I hope we can be together often and live close. I feel like I've sacrificed my whole life for that and want it so badly that it brings me to tears often (just ask Michelle, she's my "Crying Buddy" on this one:) ) But Cassie's words took on a deeper meaning, "I know you want to be here...But I feel closer to you with you there meeting the people that took care of me."

I think of Norma. We miss her. We know she would want to be here, but I also know that she has been close to you, even closer to you - when you are doing and going where you should be. I know she has been with Carly when she was in Argentina, I know she was with Cassie during her tough times, was helping Katie move away from the dark and towards the light as she went to her gravesite every month on the 19th. I'm sure she was with Danny when in stressful times he stops to watch a sporting event and realizes that Norma is there to cheer him on. I'm sure she is there when Julie gets into one of her creative moods and gets into a project, like she and Norma would play. And I'm sure she was there to witness George's birth, when I was not. Norma would want to be here with us, but she is actually closer now than she would be. It is a good thing.

It also brought Dad and I to tears, as one is rolling down now... as we went to church in Kaleheo, where Cassie spent the last 9 mos of her mission. So many love Sister Lang! I can't describe it. She made a difference. We were met with leis. People were excited. They were choked up and held back tears talking about her (and that was the men, as well as the sisters). The Bishop and others said that there will be generations that will know her name, that it will grow and will flow back to Sister Lang. He said that she is everything you would want a missionary to be. Thank you for raising such a wonderful girl, we heard over and over. They LOVED her!

To know that one of your children made such an impact on people's lives makes me feel something I can't really explain...it makes my life meaningful, like my whole life was spent to prepare this child for this one event and it was all worth it. If for that one child to have one moment like this - it gives all meaning and purpose to life. If there was nothing else - it would be enough. Enough that it brought Dad and I both to cry about it as we talked about the feelings we were feeling.

And then, to have 6 children who I know have done similar things (I know there are people in your missions that love you like they love Cassie) AND will continue to do these things, it makes me proud, but also completely humble. I feel slightly like John the Baptist when the Savior came to be baptized. I feel honored and humble, "the latchet of whose shoes I am not worthy to unloose."

Now, Carly may be thinking "I wish I didn't have to be a Traveling Sister" (or whatever they called you). Cassie has said how she wishes she learned another language. I know Danny and Jamie both loved their missions, but may be thinking that they wish things would have been different.  And I would be saying, "I wish I could have served" and "I want us all to be together often and to all live close", but what I know is that the Lord will guide us.

This is from Emily Beukers email this week.
God has a plan. A lot of things don't make sense at times but every time I have doubted God he has ended up being right in the end. There's a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Everything I have seen makes me trust the creator for everything I have not seen."

"I know you want to be here, but I feel closer to you there!" I'm grateful that we are close!

"You've got mail! "

I just wanted to say that this blog makes me eager like a small child on Christmas morning. I'm like a missionary waiting for mail. I really look forward to hearing what is happening with everyone, so much so that on Mondays I'm checking almost hourly (George willing) to see if anyone has posted anything new. Even if you didn't do much, it means a lot to me. I know everyone is busy, maybe print out your post and glue it in your journal for a personal record of your week, or something so you can kill two birds with one stone. I love you all and your posts are special to me.

His grace!

Okay, I know that I have not posted in a while so I will try and write two. The worst part was I had totally written something last week in my journal that I was going to share and then completely forgot to post it. So that will be right now (this is my break from a paper that is due tomorrow and studying for a test tomorrow ;))
     Today I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the things I have been given. I was able to finish my thiamin project and still get to bed at a decent time. I managed to see a movie with Amy and Maddison and build that relationship, I served Kennedy when I brought her back dinner because she hasn't been feeling well with we don't know what. I helped Dorff find the admissions office so he can petition to get into BYU. I spent time with Paul Morris (an Elder from my mission) when he came home. I am seeing Sister Duke and the Kawasakis tonight! I supported the RS Enrichment night, I made it to Poly dance class and institute when I was feeling a little panicked about the presentation that I wasn't sure how long it would take me. I went to institute and then had a volleyball game that didnt start till 9:30- I invited Mckenzie and Carlos to come and they did. I was hoping to work on my presentation while waiting for volleyball but since no one showed the few people needed more hands to play and how do I say no when then I know it will be miserable for everyone else. I shaved my legs when I was tired. I reached out to Rachel even though our plans fell through. I have been graced to be able to get all of these things done. I have scheduled my appointments to get volunteering at the hospital, I have set up a time to learn family history with Kyle Clawson, and I did my first new names at the temple and did really well! I texted Pono because I came across his favorite scripture- I miss him! I sent off E. Uaisele's letter and found Kyles and need to send that one off. It is all coming together and it is not because of me. I would maybe have the strength to do one of those things on my own everything else was because of His Grace. He gives me so much strength to help those around me. T I read my scriptures today in 2 Nephi 28:30 "line upon line..." I came here to Provo with lots of questions and not wanting to be here but knowing I was supposed to be here so I stayed. I wasn't excited about so many missed sundays with regional conference then temple dedication. My answer came in the temple dedication when President Monson said, "Go to the temple and you will find your purpose." Well, I went and I felt like I need to work there and as of week 2 I love it. I have found lots of beauty here in Provo even though I am so cold. I have tried to stay busy, ask a friend I am always doing something or supporting someone and that makes me happy. I am so tired but there isn't anything that I would take out if I didnt have to. I asked, "Why do you love me so much?" "Because you are my daughter and are so special.""I know I am special because You could never create something ordinary." We are all given gifts and if we give Him ourselves He will magnify our gifts and grant us more. Today I feel Him close and I am so grateful for that!"
   That was from a few weeks ago. We really are so blessed and it is because of our willingness to give what we can and His grace! I love you all :) 

"Choose Wisely" by Quentin L Cook

Jon and I try to attend "Friday forum" every week. The institute here has sign up sheets and people take turn using the institute budget to cook a meal and or share a musical number. Then after people have their lunch, we listen to a talk, usually from general conference, or a guest speaker from the stake and then discuss the talk. Well I have really enjoyed the past two weeks, but I'm going to focus on this Friday's talk which was by Quentin L Cook from this past general conference during Priesthood session. And more specifically about two things he mentioned. He said "decisions determine destiny" and that "we need to "rise above rationalizations and distractions".

1. Rationalizations. He related a story of a young man who said he wanted to go on a mission and was avoiding serious sin but still was not doing what he should. He was rationalizing, thinking that avoiding wrong was all he needed. The guest speaker from the week before in Friday forum and talked about the 13th article of faith and how we should be seeking after what is good and praiseworthy instead of just avoiding r-rated movies (as an example). I had a companion who told me a visual representation that has stuck with me. On one side is a cliff, where we can fall, and on the other side is Jesus Christ. In between the two is space to walk. She pointed out that our goal in life should not be to show how brave we are by walking the cliff's edge, but how close we can get to the Savior. It is not enough to avoid wrong, we need to make good choices that are consistent with our covenants and will help prepare us for where we want to go. I'm not perfect and some of the TV shows jon and I watch may not be the best out there, but we're trying. One thing we have started doing (and there is one movie we have not seen despite Jon's family saying it was really good because of it) is looking at imdb's page for a show or movie we're considering watching and we look up the parents guide. I feel it is a valuable tool that allows you to know what nudity, violence, language, adult material, etc, might be in it.

2. Distractions.  Quentin L Cook says, " I believe Elder Dallin H. Oaks’s inspired message distinguishing between “good, better, best” provides an effective way to evaluate choices and priorities.19 Many choices are not inherently evil, but if they absorb all of our time and keep us from the best choices, then they become insidious. Even worthwhile endeavors need evaluation in order to determine if they have become distractions from the best goals." I really like Elder Oaks' talk and have been meaning to reprioritize now that I have George. What are the most important things I need to get done each day? And then I need to do my best to at least get those things done and if I have extra time I can work on good or better pursuits after the best have been completed. It was like the story with Mary and Martha. Martha was trying to get household things done so they could all enjoy a nice meal and tidy home, but Mary chose to listen to the Savior. Mom said she didn't used to like that story because she felt she had a lot in common with Martha. Mom is a hard worker and similar to Martha, but her priorities were similar to Mary. They were about taking care of her kids first and her relationships. There is nothing wrong with taking care of the house, as long as our relationship with God, spouse and family has been worked on first. Those relationships are what is best, and a little time on our selves too to replenish our souls and allow us to keep going. I need to realize that, although dirty dishes stress me out, and although they are important, my relationships with God, Jon and George are more important. When we listened to the talk I thought about Nephi and his brethren going to get the plates. The first time they were trying to be obedient but had no plan, that was a good choice. Then they made a plan to be obedient, a better choice. Then last, Nephi went with the plan of relying on the Lord- the best choice. Sometimes our choices are best when we include the Lord, sometimes it's a matter of whether or not to do family history, spend time with family, or clean- all good things. This last week I've decided I need to figure out what is best for me at this time in my life. Obviously, school is and reading scriptures. I have to figure out when I can do other good things without neglecting myself, Jon or George- things like exercise, and housework and visiting teaching and being a member missionary.