Tuesday, October 21, 2014
So I get up today, like every other day, hoping that I've gotten enough rest to get me through another day. I've got big plans - try to finish at least the "clean out" part of Julie's room, yoga, Dr. appt. and water polo meeting - (Yep, big plans... but they are to me.) I check the blog to see if anyone but Jamie and I have written. Excitement. There's a post. I start to read to see if I can tell who it is from. I don't finish. I remember what I didn't write in my post yesterday.
...Stop it! I remember the heartfelt, agonizing prayers I had when I had missionaries. "Heavenly Father, tell me not how they're doing, but how I can help. Tell me what they need. Help me to help them." I don't know if any of you will ever feel this way as tears are streaming down my face and down my chest even as I write this. But time and time again the impression came. I tried, I did my best. Most of the time I never knew if I had even helped and as a parent you even learn sometimes that not only do you NOT help, but you cause things to be even worse. I've done that with Cassie and I'm sure I've done it with all of you. I am so sorry for those times.
To go along with my thoughts about Emma and to explain further. I had the impression to "Stop it!" Just be yourself. If you love the Lord with all thy heart, he will guide you. Our sincere desire is to be like him and to do that we need to follow HIM, not what others tell us or even what others think Christ wants us to do. It is very personal. We need to trust Him and in that trust, he will guide us. That is the first lesson that has to be learned as a missionary. A mission is a pattern for life.
When those words came into my mind I immediately thought of Cassie. When she first went out she struggled (I'm sure you all did) not thinking she was the best missionary. She couldn't do everything and she would never be able to do everything. I had written those words to her. She had heard a similar thing from her mission president. It was one of the moments when I had made a difference, the Lord does guide us and loves all of us.
I need to Stop it. I need to stop thinking that I need to be doing something more meaningful, that I have more potential in me, that I'm not using the talents the Lord has given me. I need to follow Christ and he will show me the way. Of course I have more potential in me, I am a child of God and have all the capacities that he has through my birthright. IF my desire is to serve him, and my focus remains on him then I need to TRUST and have faith (ACT) and he WILL show me the way I need to go. If that is cleaning closets, then right now it is cleaning closets. If it's writing a children's book or having a bigger part in the community or being a missionary or who knows what, he will show me.
I need to Stop it. Stop thinking that I don't do enough family history, that I'm not a good member missionary, that I don't truly love my neighbors. How can I be such a great mom when I really don't do anything? How can I teach my children to go out into the world and share their gifts when I hardly associate outside of the four walls of my home? I have been able to do some family history and I have been able to inspire others. I keep a Book of Mormon in my car and I pray to have missionary experiences and I know I need to stop saying how wonderful my children are and to say it's because of my church that brings me the gospel that gives me the covenants and testimony that brings me truth and light and love. I am a good neighbor. All my neighbors know me, respect me and with Marci and Scott, even moved here partly because of me (us). I do love my neighbors. And I do know that I am a good mom because I would do anything for my children. I realize what an honor it is to have the Spirits that have been given me. You are such a gift, such a treasure. I need to be me and let go of everything else. Just as a missionary needs to realize that the Lord needs them to be themselves, that he will mold you and place you where he needs you. You will be an instrument in his hands. AND being me is enough. I am a child of God. He knows me, he loves me and he wants to show me how to return to him.
I can't be perfect, only through Christ. I have to come to Him. I have to trust Him and follow Him.
This past week I was content, content to clean closets. Sorry that others maybe didn't see the value in what I do, but that's ok. He will show me. It is ok. I'm cleaning closets this week too, the same room, the same closet. Big plans. It is ok that I don't see the plates. It is ok that my counsel is to comfort others when it seems I need comforting. I know comfort will come. He is there. And I hope not, but maybe it's ok to stay behind, to watch you go on. (One thing I do know is that if I stay behind, I will be kicking your butt to keep you going and to get you out there, even if it means leaving me behind:)) Thank you for many many times being the vehicle that the Lord uses to comfort me. It almost always comes from you. That is why I love my family and have such a testimony of the family unit. It is a tight connection the Lord uses to show us the way.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path. Proverbs 3:5,6
...Stop it! I remember the heartfelt, agonizing prayers I had when I had missionaries. "Heavenly Father, tell me not how they're doing, but how I can help. Tell me what they need. Help me to help them." I don't know if any of you will ever feel this way as tears are streaming down my face and down my chest even as I write this. But time and time again the impression came. I tried, I did my best. Most of the time I never knew if I had even helped and as a parent you even learn sometimes that not only do you NOT help, but you cause things to be even worse. I've done that with Cassie and I'm sure I've done it with all of you. I am so sorry for those times.
To go along with my thoughts about Emma and to explain further. I had the impression to "Stop it!" Just be yourself. If you love the Lord with all thy heart, he will guide you. Our sincere desire is to be like him and to do that we need to follow HIM, not what others tell us or even what others think Christ wants us to do. It is very personal. We need to trust Him and in that trust, he will guide us. That is the first lesson that has to be learned as a missionary. A mission is a pattern for life.
When those words came into my mind I immediately thought of Cassie. When she first went out she struggled (I'm sure you all did) not thinking she was the best missionary. She couldn't do everything and she would never be able to do everything. I had written those words to her. She had heard a similar thing from her mission president. It was one of the moments when I had made a difference, the Lord does guide us and loves all of us.
I need to Stop it. I need to stop thinking that I need to be doing something more meaningful, that I have more potential in me, that I'm not using the talents the Lord has given me. I need to follow Christ and he will show me the way. Of course I have more potential in me, I am a child of God and have all the capacities that he has through my birthright. IF my desire is to serve him, and my focus remains on him then I need to TRUST and have faith (ACT) and he WILL show me the way I need to go. If that is cleaning closets, then right now it is cleaning closets. If it's writing a children's book or having a bigger part in the community or being a missionary or who knows what, he will show me.
I need to Stop it. Stop thinking that I don't do enough family history, that I'm not a good member missionary, that I don't truly love my neighbors. How can I be such a great mom when I really don't do anything? How can I teach my children to go out into the world and share their gifts when I hardly associate outside of the four walls of my home? I have been able to do some family history and I have been able to inspire others. I keep a Book of Mormon in my car and I pray to have missionary experiences and I know I need to stop saying how wonderful my children are and to say it's because of my church that brings me the gospel that gives me the covenants and testimony that brings me truth and light and love. I am a good neighbor. All my neighbors know me, respect me and with Marci and Scott, even moved here partly because of me (us). I do love my neighbors. And I do know that I am a good mom because I would do anything for my children. I realize what an honor it is to have the Spirits that have been given me. You are such a gift, such a treasure. I need to be me and let go of everything else. Just as a missionary needs to realize that the Lord needs them to be themselves, that he will mold you and place you where he needs you. You will be an instrument in his hands. AND being me is enough. I am a child of God. He knows me, he loves me and he wants to show me how to return to him.
I can't be perfect, only through Christ. I have to come to Him. I have to trust Him and follow Him.
This past week I was content, content to clean closets. Sorry that others maybe didn't see the value in what I do, but that's ok. He will show me. It is ok. I'm cleaning closets this week too, the same room, the same closet. Big plans. It is ok that I don't see the plates. It is ok that my counsel is to comfort others when it seems I need comforting. I know comfort will come. He is there. And I hope not, but maybe it's ok to stay behind, to watch you go on. (One thing I do know is that if I stay behind, I will be kicking your butt to keep you going and to get you out there, even if it means leaving me behind:)) Thank you for many many times being the vehicle that the Lord uses to comfort me. It almost always comes from you. That is why I love my family and have such a testimony of the family unit. It is a tight connection the Lord uses to show us the way.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path. Proverbs 3:5,6
Monday, October 20, 2014
A Little Reminiscing
This past week I had a lot of moments to help me reflect and feel so grateful for all of the blessings that Heavenly Father and my family has provided. My weekend was full of different activities. I went to a reception of a friend from Jerusalem and then was able to see a good amount of Jerusalem people that night. It made me so happy to just sit and see us all together again! I grew so much there but I also realize that I have grown so much- it has been almost 3 years since I went to Jerusalem. I miss it so much and pray that one day I will be able to go back. After the reception, Amy and I hiked the Y with some guys from the ward that we did not know too well but invited them anyways. We get to the top and sit in the night looking out over Provo city lights and it was beautiful. It was right, I thought of all the times that I have spent here; the pee your pants laughing moments and the ones that I drove somewhere just to cry and stay there until I knew everyone else would be asleep. I know this is not my future but it is apart of my present. Provo is where I need to be now.
Saturday was spent at waterpolo practice then Hula dancing. I come home exhausted - I haven't been to the temple in a few weeks for myself. Temple or a nap? Both are needed. A sigh- I jump in the shower and start getting ready to go to the temple. Driving there I just talk to Heavenly Father and tell Him what is going on in my life, I sincerely ask Him to help me stay awake because I am so tired. I change from outside clothes into my temple whites and feel a quiet beauty. I look around and see it in everyone, i try to walk as quietly as possible to learn how to walk like an angel does, find a smile filled with a peaceful faith. My session starts and it is video I have never seen before and it was perfect to keep me awake, my heart swells as the truths I already know are reaffirmed. I understand that I need to keep continuing down the path that I am on until He gives me further direction. I exit the temple at the perfect time, when the sun is setting. An orange and red sky fading into blue with pink clouds.
Sunday comes, church passes- I struggled staying focused. I drive the Alpine Loop with Mikaela, Alisa, and Mohonri. I love seeing the beauty all around me- the simple trees to the huge mountains are truly beautiful in their own way. That night check my messages and see an reply email from my convert. I struggle to hide the tears of gratitude that I was allowed to serve. It has been the best single decision I have made yet in my life. I think of all the people that I taught but in turn learned so much more from. Its hard not living with RMs; not because these girls aren't as spiritual or devoted or that I am better in any way, they just don't understand. They don't understand the excitement that comes when I hear from my converts or members, they don't get the love I have for these people. Sunday night I went over to a girls apartment that I had met that day and we are watching a disney movie- she starts opening up and talks about how she just needs to work on herself and so she has decided to serve a mission. Oh my, did I get super excited for her! She is nervous and is starting her papers now, I am so grateful that I could give her my little advise that I have: just be you, try your best and let the Lord handle the rest because He can! There are only two sister RMs in the ward and I felt so grateful that Heavenly Father helped me find a new friend that I already love so much and that I can be of service to.
Nothing happens by accident; but all is for my good and to be used for His service. Jerusalem instilled the desire to serve a mission; the mission has prepped me to help so many people now even in Mormon central; the temple continues to give me the added strength to keep me moving forward; all of my sports has directed me into my major that I love. God is coincidence; and a perfect planner.
Saturday was spent at waterpolo practice then Hula dancing. I come home exhausted - I haven't been to the temple in a few weeks for myself. Temple or a nap? Both are needed. A sigh- I jump in the shower and start getting ready to go to the temple. Driving there I just talk to Heavenly Father and tell Him what is going on in my life, I sincerely ask Him to help me stay awake because I am so tired. I change from outside clothes into my temple whites and feel a quiet beauty. I look around and see it in everyone, i try to walk as quietly as possible to learn how to walk like an angel does, find a smile filled with a peaceful faith. My session starts and it is video I have never seen before and it was perfect to keep me awake, my heart swells as the truths I already know are reaffirmed. I understand that I need to keep continuing down the path that I am on until He gives me further direction. I exit the temple at the perfect time, when the sun is setting. An orange and red sky fading into blue with pink clouds.
Sunday comes, church passes- I struggled staying focused. I drive the Alpine Loop with Mikaela, Alisa, and Mohonri. I love seeing the beauty all around me- the simple trees to the huge mountains are truly beautiful in their own way. That night check my messages and see an reply email from my convert. I struggle to hide the tears of gratitude that I was allowed to serve. It has been the best single decision I have made yet in my life. I think of all the people that I taught but in turn learned so much more from. Its hard not living with RMs; not because these girls aren't as spiritual or devoted or that I am better in any way, they just don't understand. They don't understand the excitement that comes when I hear from my converts or members, they don't get the love I have for these people. Sunday night I went over to a girls apartment that I had met that day and we are watching a disney movie- she starts opening up and talks about how she just needs to work on herself and so she has decided to serve a mission. Oh my, did I get super excited for her! She is nervous and is starting her papers now, I am so grateful that I could give her my little advise that I have: just be you, try your best and let the Lord handle the rest because He can! There are only two sister RMs in the ward and I felt so grateful that Heavenly Father helped me find a new friend that I already love so much and that I can be of service to.
Nothing happens by accident; but all is for my good and to be used for His service. Jerusalem instilled the desire to serve a mission; the mission has prepped me to help so many people now even in Mormon central; the temple continues to give me the added strength to keep me moving forward; all of my sports has directed me into my major that I love. God is coincidence; and a perfect planner.
I Feel Content - You Give Me Strength
I don't know if I'm totally crazy and wired wrong OR if I'm above other people, on a higher plane and have a different perspective than everyone else. I don't know why I look at things differently but over the years I have learned to appreciate and love who I am. I'm ok being different. But every once in awhile I stop and wonder if I should think differently and do things differently.
This week we were studying DC 25 - the revelation given to Emma Smith. It got me thinking about Emma. I do respect her. She had such a tough life. She transcribed for Joseph but wasn't allowed to see or touch the plates when so many others were. Her parents didn't approve of Joseph and they often lived with other people or had other people living with them. She had many children that died. And during her tough times, Joseph was also in tough times. A revelation comes for her. And she's told to be a comfort to Joseph. I wonder if she thought "Who's there for my comfort? Really? Don't you have grand plans for Me?" Yes, she was given opportunities that were impressive, as far as being a woman goes - compiling hymns and being the first RS president. I am sure that through compiling the hymns the Spirit comforted her many times. And then all the tribulation. I'm sure it was tough. Her husband is killed. I assume she just didn't have the strength to go West. I feel for her, but I also kind of wish she had found the strength. I look at how one decision most likely set the course for her future generations. Maybe the Church needed the separation from the Smith Family. I hope that when I'm tired and when I feel like I can't keep doing what's asked of me I find the strength to do it anyway. Each decision does effect not only us, but our whole family and future generations.
I also had a confirmation that it's ok to be me. It's ok that I don't do something monumental, even though I'm very capable. It's ok that I don't get the attention, don't get to be the "chosen one" who saw the plates or stands in the lime light. I know the Lord is there. I know he loves me. He has comforted me. It's like - would you like one huge embrace by the Savior or would you like him just to have his hand continually on your shoulder?
I'm not feeling overly satisfied, but I feel content. I feel happy. I know I need to be a better wife and give comfort to my husband, who is a great man. I am so proud of all of you and love to see you Stand in the Light. There's a little tenderness in my heart, (connected to my eyes of course) when I see you shine. I loved when I heard that Jamie and Jon were able to do an endowment session and took that time, when they are so overwhelmed right now. I love the many times when people ask about Danny and meet Michelle and say how much they like her and I just love to tell them how sweet and loving she is. I love to watch Carly follow the Spirit and get to stand in the light, while her little sister is supporting her and using her own "reflector light" to shine back on her. I love to hear how Cassie is content (we just seem to be in similar places often) with holding to the iron rod while she stands in the mist, not quite knowing where she is going, but always looking to direct others on their way. I love Julie when she will share things with me and open up her heart - not because she wants to but because either she needs to or she knows I need her to. I don't think you all realize how much you each inspire me. You give me strength.
You are awesome!
Moving
So, this last week jon and I got some one on one time with George but we were also busy with packing things- mainly taking stuff out of the big furniture and taking boxes over. I only packed a few things because George needs me and I'm still tired. And I can't help with the moving much because if I lift too much I can rip open my scar/stitches. Jon's mom came Wednesday and we've been busy.
Friday, jon and I sang at Friday forum (an institute lunch and spiritual message) and then we ran a few errands before heading down to the temple. It took us two and a half hours to get there and we just barely missed the first session. We were going to have jon do a double session, one with me and one with his mom. Well since we missed the first session we got dinner and then jon and I did a session. I might not have been completely focusing. About half way through I started worrying about George. What if he had one of his really hungry feedings and what I had pumped in the bottle wasn't enough? I knew Jon's mom could do anything but feed him more than what was in the bottle. I was gone for just a little over 2 hours, the first time I've left him and I didn't even have my phone if there was an emergency and George needed more food. He was fine and didn't even need half the bottle. And it was nice to go to the temple. It was a long day though.
Saturday the elders quorum came to help jon with all the big furniture and we packed what we'd need for like a vacation so we could start living there. It's going to be so nice living in a house. I think those are the highlights from this week. And now, some pictures of George and the house.
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