Roadblocks Build Character

Week one is past and done- week two is going a bit smoother. I came into the semester with lots of questions- so far no answers just fingers pointing in a different direction- go talk to this person or that one or my favorite, "You will just have to research that." Well no duh, how much are you getting paid to tell me nothing? Obviously, I have not been as patient or understanding as Heavenly Father would prefer, Im sure I will let it go eventually ;) All I know is I know that I have never looked back and told Him that I didn't like the results- so I know that once I look back on this I won't be disappointed. So I must continue to walk until I know exactly what needs to be done. I liked the recent post (I think by mom- that talked about realizing all the things we have done and how much good we do) I am trying to do that right now as I become frustrated to realize that I have found what I want to do with my life and so what if it takes a little bit longer to finish school to get there- why did I expect that there would suddenly be no more road blocks. Silly me, road blocks build character! It is not all smooth but I know the direction and the place I am trying to get there, now its just being creative, happy and getting there.
Spiritual thought- so I really enjoyed this sunday's talks, my writings of Isaiah class and then studying the visiting teaching message while working at the temple. This morning was early- I am not a fan of waking up at 5 but I really like working at the temple so it stays. I was actually given study time and it was great because I read the visiting message about obedience and was able to just think about how that principle has really blessed my life. I thought of the woman in Nain in Kings somewhere, when Elijha goes to the woman and asks for water and food and she says she is gathering sticks to make the last food for her and her son and then to die. He still asks that she feed him first and then make for her family. She trusts, obeys and is blessed to make it through the famine. We have been asked to do a lot of different things, sometimes we don't know the blessings that will follow, sometimes it is so hard to be obedient when it would be easily rationalized to do the opposite; but we have to trust the Lord's commandments and trust that it will all work out. I thought of how this relates to college kids- we often become complacent or upset about rules and try to not follow them. One of late that I see, is this fight to have beards, I think it is so dumb. If you want a beard go to a different school- you signed up for BYU and all the rules that apply, if you do not like them leave. Its simple things like that; no their salvation is not on the line but I would rather just be obedient than go through life fighting where the line should be.
Lifes Facts: School is hard. One of my teachers is extremely picky with his words which makes his quizzes hard! My intro to organic chemistry is a struggle to remember what I learned 2 years ago- aka nothing! And its a new topic everyday! But hey there is a good looking guy that I sit with; so I am trying to count my blessings haha! Well, I wrote this last week and then forgot to finish it; but, I love you lots and miss Christmas break already!

Brought up strong

My main thought for this post is to acknowledge my appreciation for our strong upbringing. From both mom and dad we have had two exceptional examples of who we should model our lives after. Yes of course we all try to follow the example of Jesus, but sometimes we forget how to recognize if we are doing our best to do so, and from the examples we have in mom and dad we have seen what to do. I have found many times in my life that I am questioning how I am doing and I do a sort of self-assessment. There have been times when I don't make the cut and other times when I have been so hard on myself and down about my life only to realize that I was doing everything I could. We know how important it is to right ourselves when we have wandered of the 'straight and narrow', yet I think sometimes we forget that we can at times be harder on ourselves than need be. Being positive and optimistic as we have been counseled to be, in all things and especially with regards to ourselves can be a tremendous help and change in our lives. It is not always easy to be happy, but I believe there is little to any reason to remain unhappy for any extended period of time. So let's limit how long we are feeling down, and remember what the Lord thinks of us and our potential. Keep our heads up, and keep up the good work. When you're feeling down, remember all the good you've done. We are who we are and we do what we do for the Lord and for our families, not for recognition. Ever feeling downtrodden then you can give me a call for a pep talk on how much I appreciate you and who you are :) Love you all!!!

In Life it's not who Wins the Game, its How you Play the Game

Last Thursday Julie had a water polo game against Newbury Park. We knew it would be tough. It also was the day we retired the #11 - Veronika's number. Most of you I think at least know who Veronika was. She was shot and killed last Memorial Day weekend.

She wasn't the best player. She was often a little too physical. She got upset and got discouraged and even depressed at times. She would walk around with her headphones on and her hood up and would shut out the world. At one time she wouldn't talk to anyone, but Katie. But I also saw a different side. I saw her smile, have fun, laugh and work hard. She had more than one dinner at our house with the younger girls.  One time she helped make posters for the older girls. She loved the younger girls and was natural at nurturing them. She put her whole heart into everything. She played each game, giving her all. She had a hard shot and often had tape wrapped around her wrist. She wasn't pretentious and she stood her ground. She lived in our neighborhood and would bring Katie home quite a bit before Katie was driving. Katie considers her a good friend. She was friendly. She was polite. She was appreciative.

There's a plaque with her name and number on it on the pool deck of the high school and a banner. We also presented the parents with a shadow box with her cap in it. It's really nice. We had purple balloons since that was her favorite color. I had made cookies for the team and for those who came.









I SO wanted to win. We were down 5 -1 and then came back and went into overtime. We were up by 2 with 1:30 on the clock. Everyone knows how much these girls have gone through. We only have one sub. Our team has fallen so much and we've gone through three coaches. The coaches haven't lived it and don't really understand what these girls have gone through. The present coach doesn't even care and doesn't want to be concerned with the past. But these girls. They play because they love the game. They play because they do have heart and they may not be the best, but they play THEIR best and it shows. I have so much respect for these girls. There is a sisterhood that is formed. They are there for each other.


I wanted to win for Veronika - it would have been the perfect day. But we lost in the last second. With only one sub, one girl got rolled - no subs. Then they rolled Annie, our best player and then rolled Audrey, also a good player.  We played down two girls. There was no way to cover all of them - and yet, it was still so close. I still can't believe it. I know at one time the clock wasn't running when it should have been and those few seconds cost us the game. I was so sad.

But then something sank in.

The girls gave it their all. The girls played with heart. They gave it everything they had. They didn't quit three years ago and they didn't quit now - even though I'm sure all of them have thought about it. Sometimes the score doesn't show who really wins. Sometimes the world may not even recognize the winner or the truth. I'm sure the NP girls have a lot of respect for us.

But that's how it was with Veronika. She was shot and killed at 19. Her dad at the memorial said something like "Most people try to live each day to the fullest. Veronika lived each minute of each day to the fullest. She didn't live long, but she lived a full life." It isn't fair. Veronika didn't win.



We don't win - most of the time, but that doesn't mean we quit playing. We keep going and we give it all we've got. We give our heart. And it's not about water polo and it's not about the score.

Oh, I wish we still would have won, but I'm glad we didn't. I'm glad we didn't because I'm afraid that in the elation of the win, I would have missed the lesson.

It's not who wins the game, it's how you play the game. In life, if we play with all our hearts and with intensity and passion, like Veronika, we will succeed. It was a great day. It felt good. I was happy that her parents stayed and enjoyed a great game - a game played like Veronika played. I'm sure it was a healing moment for them and brought them comfort. What a tragedy. She didn't win and we didn't either. I felt proud to know Veronika, felt proud of these girls and honored to be in their presence. It was a perfect day.

Reflections - Jan. 11, 2015

This past week I have been trying to wash, clean up, get trash out, pack up and do returns from Christmas. I've been busy, still not completely done, but almost. It seems so long since Christmas was here. It seems so long since you guys left, and it's only been a week.

I think I've been reflecting on things of the past, present and future.

I've thought about my life in joining the Church and where that road has taken me and the things I've learned. I was reading a talk from Boyd K. Packer and he was talking about his conversion. He said, "Much of what I have come to know falls into the category of things which cannot be taught but can be learned." I have learned so many things - God exists. He lives, he loves me. His son is Jesus Christ, who is my Savior and through him I can return home. The Holy Ghost testifies of these truths and many more. He comforts and guides. He is the member of the Godhead that makes it possible to know things that our bodies cannot otherwise know. I am a Child of God and he knows me. He loves me. He wants to give me everything he has.

I've thought of the present - I have such wonderful children and we were all together. I am so proud of all of you and don't tell you that enough. I am so grateful for the love that we share and the testimonies that we have. We didn't do anything special and I miss the days when we just "hung out" and you guys played video games all day (and I got mad at you and thought you should be doing something else). It was fun to have the girls come home New Year's eve and come up to my room to "check in". We stayed up until 2:00 I think, just talking. We didn't do a lot, and I was feeling a little bad about it. It was nice to hear from Jamie and Cassie in her blog, how nice it was to just "Be Home". It was nice and it did touch my heart, especially on Christmas morning. Thank you for being kind and loving to my parents. Grandma called the other day just to say thank you for the card. I assured her it wasn't me - it was you kids. Thank you.

And I think of the future - all of you going different directions. I have no worries. We will have challenges and struggles, but we all strive to listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I don't know where our lives will go, but with the Lord, it will be for our benefit. We will learn and grow and love. We are here to share the talents that have been given to us. I think of Katie not being here next year, and everyone else for that matter (those that are married). It fills me with gratitude for where Katie is right now. I am excited and sad (because I know I will miss her). I need to call and bug her more...because I can:)

And I think of the future and where I need to go. I am always taking care of everyone else and I know I need to take care of myself. This week I realized that I hold myself back because I don't take care of myself. I have a misconception that if I do take care of myself then I will be selfish, or I won't be fully following the Lord if I don't give my absolute all to someone else, each day. I know that it is not worldly. Just like I want you guys to take care of yourself, I need to take care of myself. I need to love myself more. I need to be the priority. I can let some things go and give myself the time and not feel guilty. (of course when I was reading this over I thought of Maren and had to text her to see if she needs help packing). I need to overcome my struggles and it will be hard and no one really understands, but it doesn't matter. I need to not quit because it's hard or that one thing isn't working. I need to not get discouraged when something doesn't work, but realize that there are other things to try. I need to be patient. I need to be patient...and listen.  The new year is exciting and I feel ready.

New Years Resolutions

So, this week has been busy with trying to adjust to being back home. George has been pretty good (he's always good) but he's been "fussy" (in quotes because it's only fussy for George) more. I don't know how much of that is because there aren't as many people to hold him, because I think I do a good job of holding him most of the day and gradually getting back into a schedule with him. Some of it I think is the time change. He had started going to bed at 10:30 and sleeping through the night. Now I'm lucky if he is asleep by midnight and only wakes up once. I know- things could be much worse. I'm just trying to help him adjust again. He is definitely biting more and I'm 90% sure he's started teething. I have a thing to massage his gums that he really likes. The first time I gave him a frozen teether he did not like the coldness.

This weekend we got set up with a family pass to the YMCA. Lehua, a friend from Church got us a deal. We went for the first time this morning. George liked the daycare (which means I can get a good workout in regardless of whether or not he's sleeping). There are two locations in Bloomington, the other one has a bigger track that I think I can walk with George on. For today, I got 25 minutes of cardio in (a good start for me because I haven't been in shape for awhile.) and some sit-ups and stretches. Then picked up George from the daycare and we (Jon, George and I) got into swimsuits and went to the splash pad area of the pool. It was heated to 80-something degrees- colder than George is used to. It was both sad and funny to see his whole chin do the brrr-shiver thing and his chubby cheeks jiggled too. He still had a decent time but he kept wanting more heat and body heat from snuggling. We didn't stay too long but we practiced our floating, kicking and standing and played with one of the toys at the splash pad. Then we went to the family bathroom and  gave George a nice warm shower which he really liked.

I'm still finalizing some goals for myself. I have tried to break it up into spiritual goals, mental (educational goals), health goals, my marriage, George or family goals and personal goals (a certain amount of goals just for me, for fun- for my emotional well-being). One of my goals is 15 minutes of personal scripture study. I have started doing this while nursing. I also have given myself 15 minutes of fun reading- Ive been doing this while nursing as well. Then when George naps I can take a shower, clean, do school or take a nap too occasionally. Once a month I want to spend an hour on geneaology. Jon and I are going to attend the temple at least every other month- it's an all day thing here with a minimum 2 hour drive each way- but one time it took me 4 because of snow and construction. I want to do sit-ups daily (minus Sunday) and cardio at least twice a week with an additional outing with George (most likely a walk in the stroller). Also I'm trying to start a routine with George of reading the scriptures. Hopefully by the end of the year we'll have finished listening to the Book of Mormon in both Spanish and English. I know he's still young, but this way the routine will be in place by the time he will remember and understand more. There are so many goals but I am trying to keep them simple. I have 15 minutes of dishes daily as a goal-because I'm not good at dishes but I'm happier when they're done. May you make good goals for yourselves. Keep them attainable and don't push yourself in too many different directions-make sure you take care of your needs too. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Sealing and reflections

Well a lot has happened recently, but you were all there for it, so I'll just give thoughts this week instead of giving a time line.

With genealogy, I had a random thought. In baby blessings you often hear, "the name you will be known throughout your life and on the records of the church is....". Jon pointed out that baby blessings are not an ordinance, there is no exact phrasing required and that phrase is more tradition, like how we often say, "please bless the food, that it will make us healthy and strong" even if we're about to eat desserts and know God isn't going to magically make it healthy. But then with genealogy work, females use their maiden name. Even though jon and I have been married for three years and my legal name is Jamie Matthews, they still used Lang. If there is any doctrine on the matter, I don't think it matters but I wonder if my name is still Jamie Barbara Lang and the changing of the last name is just a tradition we hold to like exchanging rings to show others we belong together. Like I said, I don't think this really matters, but it was just a thought I had.

Then the actual sealing, I knew it would hit me when it happened, but I still thought (for some strange reason) that I wouldn't cry. But I did. A favorite moment: they brought George in to be sealed to us and he looked at me, binkie in his mouth, and gave me one of his good smiles.

I have also felt a lot of joy this week. I have an eternal family. Forming a new link, making a new generation, being sealed to jon and George reminded me of the eternal family I grew up in. I don't know how to explain what I felt or the full extent of what I felt on Saturday.

Being sealed also made me reflect on the past. I may have mentioned it before but Alma 38:12 (I think), says, "bridle all your passions that ye may be filled with love". There is also an opposite. When you do not bridle all your passions you end up on an emotional Rollercoaster (for any males reading this: I'm talking more than normal Pms and feminine mood swings). I knew I loved Jon but I had a hard time feeling that he loved me. I can also vouch for the fact that getting married does not solve the problem. I'm sure the following is true for any sin, big or small: stopping does not mean you've repented and it doesn't solve anything, there is still more to repentance. It took awhile for me to repent of my sins, even though I had stopped sinning, and it took even longer for me to learn how to apply the Atonement to myself based on someone else's sins. We know that Christ not only suffered for our sins but also our pains, sicknesses and sorrows, but learning to apply that was hard and I don't know if I've really learned it but I've felt it in my life and hopefully  would be able to apply it easier next time, cause in this world full of imperfect people, I'm bound to get hurt at least once more.

And lastly I've thought a little about addiction. I didn't really understand it a few years ago. One thing I learned is, once an addict, always an addict. Now this may sound depressing, and it is a little, or it may sound hopeless but it's not. A recovering addict may never yield to temptation again- that's hopeful. But it's still different than an average person. Let's say the addiction is alcohol. Imagine you are somewhere and are not addicted to alcohol. There are triggers for every addict, let's say one is extreme sadness . You reach a point and a sign says you have reached extreme sadness. Now you are not an addict, but ahead you see a sign for alcohol. You have many choices, you can walk to that sign, you can walk backwards, away from sadness, walk in any other direction or even just stand still and stare at the sign that says alcohol. Now let's say you are addicted to alcohol- the scene changes slightly. Once you reach the sign that says extreme sadness, you are already on an escalator heading down to the sign that says alcohol. You can't go to the right or left and you can't merely stand there. You still have a choice but you have to actively walk back up that descending escalator and turn away from the alcohol sign. An addict who doesn't want to succumb again learns to avoid the triggers, they look ahead for the signs that will lead towards their addiction. Some of those triggers are inevitable though. When they're foreseen, the addict can prepare himself to be ready to walk away and resist the pull. But if the trigger is something like extreme sadness, and someone dies suddenly, they have to have a plan in place to help them resist.
I can say that it's hard. It requires major lifestyle adjustments, but there is hope. You learn to make plans to help cope with certain triggers and to avoid as many triggers as possible. Life isn't about pushing the limits. We should try to seek out the best movies, the best books, the best TV shows. Life isn't about who can see the worst movie ever, or how many bad movies one can see. Neither should it be about how many triggers we can reach and then resist temptation. We shouldn't seek temptation, but we should know our weaknesses and be prepared. Go about doing good and trying to get closer to the Savior instead of skirting the edges, full of temptations, triggers, cliffs and sorrow. Make boundaries for yourself to avoid temptation, not sin. And when you have a family make those boundaries for the weakest (see the beginning of D&C 89).

Just Some Thoughts-

     Im sorry I am a day late, Mondays are now my busy days :( School has started and I am tired already. I had 5 classes yesterday and boy was it a long day! (one of them I do not have to go to, the one that I TA for, but I like it and I will probably miss here and there when I am super tired or am behind on work). Day one and I already have a lot to do; I have found myself on 3 intermural teams, taking 6 hardish classes, got a job (TA position) and then we are trying to get this new Relief Society Presidency rolling. So, I went to bed early last night because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. But I figured it out- inter murals and Relief Society activities will be my main social life and then its just school and keeping up on grading papers as a TA. I will be exercising in swim class and then on my various teams- so it will be a stressful fun semester! Oh and I have an appointment with my counselor to talk about Malawi and some other things- now we just need dad's approval and this will get started. Everyone I talk to are 1. super excited for me and 2. jealous! I don't know where it will take me but for now it feels like I am at least supposed to start going down this path.
     I guess my thought on the Christmas break: I think it has been one of my favorites. It was so nice to just be a family again. I realized that I really haven't been home with everyone for 4 years, someone is gone doing something amazing or it was filled with getting stuff done. So, mom, it was nice to have everything planned. We planned what we thought was most important and for us, that is family dinners with yummy food! ;) It was fun eating together, cooking and cleaning, playing games, watching movies and getting errands done to throw another awesome party! We are kinda amazing. The sealing was beautiful and George was the perfect baby for the job, no fussing just looking around the room and holding onto Jamie's finger. The Spirit was there and it comforts all of us to have the blessings of the sealing power apply to our family.
I know we made a difference for grandma and grandpa. I think it went better than we expected. Going to the temple with them to help them do our relatives that were close to them. Just seeing them tear up and thank us multiple times shows that they appreciated us and the tiny sacrifice we made to give an afternoon of our time. Plus, now we have a good starting point to continue to do our families work.
Being home for christmas was what I needed. I so often forget all the good things, get wrapped up in my own life and my own path that I forget how much I love being home. I read an article last night in the December ensign and a part really rung true to what I have been feeling every since I came home from my mission. I am not too worried about dating and getting married, I try my best to be outgoing and talk to people and make myself available; trusting that God will provide if I am doing what is right. Then, there was a statement that talked about how we should build upon the eternal relationships we already have while waiting to find our eternal companion. So, no I am not married and not even really close to that but I have siblings, parents, cousins, grandparents that I do not always know that much about. These are the most important relationships that I often take for granted- so I should take the time that I am given to build my relations with my sealed family while working on starting my own. (Don't take this the wrong way I will still have other friends too). Also, in the article it made the statement to take every travel opportunity which i found odd. I wondered why did they put that in- I feel like I have done that and continue to do that (wanting to go to Samoa/Tonga/Africa). Then I hypothesized that some single adults never explore the world because they are afraid of missing their opportunity to get married, they don't want to leave Provo or wherever because of what if. I realized that I am very opposite of that mentality and I am grateful for that. I have been privileged to go to many places and it has helped strengthen my talents to love regardless of differences.
    I am like mom where I miss home already, but I know it will be okay. Our paths may take us different directions but the greatest blessing is knowing that because of the sealing power we can all have our paths meet up again if we obey our covenants and follow the prophet! I miss you all and love you. Not sure when we will all be together again but I pray it will be sooner rather than later. 

Don't like it, but life goes on.

We don't like it, but life goes on...

I'm not very happy today. Carly, Cassie and Katie left this morning. I miss them. Said goodbye to Danny and Michelle that leave tomorrow, although they'll be back. Jamie, Jon and GEORGE leave tomorrow and I don't know when I'll see them. I just want one simple thing. I want us all to be together.

But it's like we stand at a crossroads with 8 different roads stretching out in front of us. We each have a different road to take. We know that somewhere they will connect again. We know each road will be filled with adventure, fun, struggles and the unknown. There's a tinge of anxiousness of something new and also a sadness of leaving the old and what we love.

I'll admit that although it will be a lot of work packing up Christmas, cleaning the house, returning gifts, doing laundry, making beds, getting back in a routine and exercising, setting and starting to reach new goals - I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready just like all of you are ready to either get back to your old lives or starting new chapters in your life.

Life is getting more complicated. I don't really know when we'll all be together again, but I know we are sealed. We can be together again, someday and whether that day is sooner or later, it brings me peace knowing that is true. What a blessing!

But tonight, tomorrow and for a little while I have a heavy heart. I don't like it, but life goes on. I hope you all know how much I truly love you and want only the best for you. My purpose in life is to help you get those things in your life. My next hope it to be a part of it and be able to share it with you.

Thank you for the love you give to me. Thank you for the caring people you are. Whichever road you take, my heart will be with you always.

I love you.

xo Mommy