His grace!

Okay, I know that I have not posted in a while so I will try and write two. The worst part was I had totally written something last week in my journal that I was going to share and then completely forgot to post it. So that will be right now (this is my break from a paper that is due tomorrow and studying for a test tomorrow ;))
     Today I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the things I have been given. I was able to finish my thiamin project and still get to bed at a decent time. I managed to see a movie with Amy and Maddison and build that relationship, I served Kennedy when I brought her back dinner because she hasn't been feeling well with we don't know what. I helped Dorff find the admissions office so he can petition to get into BYU. I spent time with Paul Morris (an Elder from my mission) when he came home. I am seeing Sister Duke and the Kawasakis tonight! I supported the RS Enrichment night, I made it to Poly dance class and institute when I was feeling a little panicked about the presentation that I wasn't sure how long it would take me. I went to institute and then had a volleyball game that didnt start till 9:30- I invited Mckenzie and Carlos to come and they did. I was hoping to work on my presentation while waiting for volleyball but since no one showed the few people needed more hands to play and how do I say no when then I know it will be miserable for everyone else. I shaved my legs when I was tired. I reached out to Rachel even though our plans fell through. I have been graced to be able to get all of these things done. I have scheduled my appointments to get volunteering at the hospital, I have set up a time to learn family history with Kyle Clawson, and I did my first new names at the temple and did really well! I texted Pono because I came across his favorite scripture- I miss him! I sent off E. Uaisele's letter and found Kyles and need to send that one off. It is all coming together and it is not because of me. I would maybe have the strength to do one of those things on my own everything else was because of His Grace. He gives me so much strength to help those around me. T I read my scriptures today in 2 Nephi 28:30 "line upon line..." I came here to Provo with lots of questions and not wanting to be here but knowing I was supposed to be here so I stayed. I wasn't excited about so many missed sundays with regional conference then temple dedication. My answer came in the temple dedication when President Monson said, "Go to the temple and you will find your purpose." Well, I went and I felt like I need to work there and as of week 2 I love it. I have found lots of beauty here in Provo even though I am so cold. I have tried to stay busy, ask a friend I am always doing something or supporting someone and that makes me happy. I am so tired but there isn't anything that I would take out if I didnt have to. I asked, "Why do you love me so much?" "Because you are my daughter and are so special.""I know I am special because You could never create something ordinary." We are all given gifts and if we give Him ourselves He will magnify our gifts and grant us more. Today I feel Him close and I am so grateful for that!"
   That was from a few weeks ago. We really are so blessed and it is because of our willingness to give what we can and His grace! I love you all :) 

"Choose Wisely" by Quentin L Cook

Jon and I try to attend "Friday forum" every week. The institute here has sign up sheets and people take turn using the institute budget to cook a meal and or share a musical number. Then after people have their lunch, we listen to a talk, usually from general conference, or a guest speaker from the stake and then discuss the talk. Well I have really enjoyed the past two weeks, but I'm going to focus on this Friday's talk which was by Quentin L Cook from this past general conference during Priesthood session. And more specifically about two things he mentioned. He said "decisions determine destiny" and that "we need to "rise above rationalizations and distractions".

1. Rationalizations. He related a story of a young man who said he wanted to go on a mission and was avoiding serious sin but still was not doing what he should. He was rationalizing, thinking that avoiding wrong was all he needed. The guest speaker from the week before in Friday forum and talked about the 13th article of faith and how we should be seeking after what is good and praiseworthy instead of just avoiding r-rated movies (as an example). I had a companion who told me a visual representation that has stuck with me. On one side is a cliff, where we can fall, and on the other side is Jesus Christ. In between the two is space to walk. She pointed out that our goal in life should not be to show how brave we are by walking the cliff's edge, but how close we can get to the Savior. It is not enough to avoid wrong, we need to make good choices that are consistent with our covenants and will help prepare us for where we want to go. I'm not perfect and some of the TV shows jon and I watch may not be the best out there, but we're trying. One thing we have started doing (and there is one movie we have not seen despite Jon's family saying it was really good because of it) is looking at imdb's page for a show or movie we're considering watching and we look up the parents guide. I feel it is a valuable tool that allows you to know what nudity, violence, language, adult material, etc, might be in it.

2. Distractions.  Quentin L Cook says, " I believe Elder Dallin H. Oaks’s inspired message distinguishing between “good, better, best” provides an effective way to evaluate choices and priorities.19 Many choices are not inherently evil, but if they absorb all of our time and keep us from the best choices, then they become insidious. Even worthwhile endeavors need evaluation in order to determine if they have become distractions from the best goals." I really like Elder Oaks' talk and have been meaning to reprioritize now that I have George. What are the most important things I need to get done each day? And then I need to do my best to at least get those things done and if I have extra time I can work on good or better pursuits after the best have been completed. It was like the story with Mary and Martha. Martha was trying to get household things done so they could all enjoy a nice meal and tidy home, but Mary chose to listen to the Savior. Mom said she didn't used to like that story because she felt she had a lot in common with Martha. Mom is a hard worker and similar to Martha, but her priorities were similar to Mary. They were about taking care of her kids first and her relationships. There is nothing wrong with taking care of the house, as long as our relationship with God, spouse and family has been worked on first. Those relationships are what is best, and a little time on our selves too to replenish our souls and allow us to keep going. I need to realize that, although dirty dishes stress me out, and although they are important, my relationships with God, Jon and George are more important. When we listened to the talk I thought about Nephi and his brethren going to get the plates. The first time they were trying to be obedient but had no plan, that was a good choice. Then they made a plan to be obedient, a better choice. Then last, Nephi went with the plan of relying on the Lord- the best choice. Sometimes our choices are best when we include the Lord, sometimes it's a matter of whether or not to do family history, spend time with family, or clean- all good things. This last week I've decided I need to figure out what is best for me at this time in my life. Obviously, school is and reading scriptures. I have to figure out when I can do other good things without neglecting myself, Jon or George- things like exercise, and housework and visiting teaching and being a member missionary.

Don't Be Too Busy - It's the Little Things that Matter Most

So another week and so many not posting. Busy, I understand, I'm busy. Feel like there's nothing special happening, I understand, every day I clean and work until I'm exhausted. But I'm going to take a minute. I thought I would try to post photos this week since I"m here in Indiana with George.

Moments Matter - Yes, we want to achieve big things and dream big. I love sunsets and the end of a day with all it's magnificence. Often Dad will call me and tell me to walk outside. I'm so grateful he'll call. I'm even more grateful that he notices. The Beauty, The Moment.

Today I worked hard - went on a drive with George and Jamie, Target, Sam's Club, Michael's, the grocery store. We unpacked the dining room and finished the kitchen. I did four loads of laundry and made four loaves of chocolate chip banana bread (for neighbors and Jamie's doctors that have been so nice). But I looked out her kitchen window just as the sun was setting. She has two large oak trees that grow together and look like one tree. It's beautiful. There's still a few leaves on and many leaves all over the grass. If I look to the right I can see the sunset. It wasn't anything memorable, but it was precious. It felt good. I thought "I'm glad that Jamie can look out her kitchen window and see the sunset." It's a little thing.

As we were driving to a little town near by, Nashville, I did see something that was magnificent. It was a country road. It was a windy day, but not gusty. The leaves were falling like a soft snowfall. As we drove around a turn there was a wave of leaves that covered the whole road, rolling towards us. It moved and swirled like it had a life of its own. I wish I had been able to video it, but it was gone in a moment. It was a little thing.

I pick up George often just as he is waking up and letting us know that he needs us (well most often he needs his Mommy). As I pick him up he brings his elbows up by his face and arches his back, stretching. It's so cute and he's so into it, it almosts makes me sigh and stretch. I want to just hold him and squeeze him and love him. It's a little thing.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. It's suppose to rain and get colder. There will be more work. Jamie has her Spanish class a

Jumbled Puzzles.

So Halloween was this last week... definitely not my favorite holiday, but I am glad it's over!

School is going by so fast and it is making me nervous about being a big kid and graduated from college. I register this week for classes. I had an interview for a job (that I didn't even apply for but my teacher recommended me) this last week.

There just seems to be so much going on and too many options. I have been trying to focus on what my direction should be.

Life is good. Life is great! It's so different lately and it's weird being in Rexburg. I think part of it is that I have changed and then part of it is that Rexburg is different from before.

Dating is terrible... no promising prospects (sorry to Katie who wanted me married before she leaves on her mission haha).

I've just been struggling with my calling. I've been doing everything required but a lot of groups have some people that consistently don't come to FHE and they'll do things that they think those people would like to do or push the time to be later but they still don't come. I'm at a loss. Sometimes free-agency is terrible and you wish you could just force everyone to come! Haha but it's been different. As a missionary, you have a nametag on. People expect you to tell them churchy things and what they should and shouldn't be doing. Once you come home, they don't look at you the same. I can't just prance into an apartment and preach to them about how FHE is a commandment and they need to be going. I've had to think creatively about what I can do to help these people as part of my calling. I know the Lord will bless me with small ways I can help.

Anyway, this is so jumbled, but it goes along with how things are. My life is kind of all over the place even though it's going great!

I've just been grateful that inbetween all of my jumbled things going on that the Lord somehow shows me in the smallest ways how much I am loved. It is sometimes really small, but just a little reminder is all that is needed.

This last week, my roommate wrote me a nice note saying she looked up to me! It was just a nice reminder that the Lord is happy with what I'm doing and I couldn't tell you anything about the future, but I'm going to keep chugging along until I can solve the jumbled puzzle.

Making time for what's important and tears

So this week I'm not entirely sure what to write. George is growing and eating and pooping a lot and I love him a lot. A few random thoughts:

First tears. George is now crying real tears and it makes me cry. And as Jon put it, we had our first casualty yesterday. George has scratched his face and in two spots looks like he made himself bleed (not the casualty part) so I looked at his nails and several were long and scratchy. So I decided to cut them. I was trying so hard. It took me a few minutes to make the first cut and I was sure I had just the nail. I cut poor George and he started crying. I held him tight and started to cry too. I know (logically) that George will need to experience pain and struggle and cry and what not to grow. But there's a part of me that doesn't want him to experience any pain-especially pain caused by me. I'm sure it's inevitable. I'll likely hurt him again. I hope the first time his fingers get smashed in a door or something that it's not my fault. I may one day say something that hurts his feelings without meaning to. But I hope when I realize I've hurt this guy, or even if I'm not the cause of it, that I'll be there to hold him. I'm sure Mom has felt this way as well as Dad and our Heavenly Parents and Jesus.

Second- trying not to be busy. The first part of George's life has been hectic. His mom is tired and recovering, although I'm able to carry him IN his car seat now and the diaper bag too. But on top of the normal stuff, we flew across the country, got him used to a pacifier (which I don't think is bad but all the new parenting books would disagree with how young we did it), gave him his first bottle, left him for the first time for two hours, packed and moved and cleaned. Granted I didn't do most of that but I was trying to help and it meant that we were always on the go and hoping he'd be asleep. So today I promised myself to focus on George and me. We've slept and talked and played on his tummy for tummy time, listened to some music, ate, changed his diaper and his clothes once from a blow out, and listened to a chapter from the book of Mormon, first in English and then in Spanish. I also managed to do some dishes and some Spanish homework during his last nap and if he stays asleep after I write this, I'm taking another nap. I'm trying to make sure I'm not too busy for George. After today I'll need to find a balance of George time and working and cleaning but today has been nice to just do little but spend time with George.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Looking out Jamie's kitchen window

Twin Oaks

It's November. Halloween is over. Yay! Now it's time for an Attitude of Gratitude. Time to get ready for the holidays - Thanksgiving and Christmas!

Dan loves me even though I'm fat and it's not easy to love myself. He believes in me and thinks I can do anything. Sometimes it's hard because I feel...maybe taken for granted, but he honestly thinks I'm so wonderful that I CAN do anything. I'm grateful for that.

I have too many flaws to be perfect. But I have too many blessings to be ungrateful. I am a SWAN (And I have children that remind me of that) and I can be beautiful in my imperfections.

As I've gotten older I've learned to look at trials differently. I see how past trials were challenges and then they became strengths and now they are a blessing. I'm grateful for my trials and the ability to overcome trials.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I've learned that if you watch yourself carefully and change when things first start churning, it is much easier. I remember reading the Book of Mormon and having a "Softened Heart" always stood out. (This time reading it's funny. What stands out is how many times Nephi points out "He/We dwelt in a tent". Don't know what the lesson to learn on that is. Haha). I'm grateful for my home. I remember praying to have my heart softened. I practiced it and found how easy it was to change, when the thoughts appear and you include the Lord. Sometimes we don't like change. I know today is Daylight Savings and it will be getting dark much sooner. It will take me a few weeks to get used to it. But aren't we glad we can change? Aren't we glad that we have the choice? We may not be able to change the situation, but we can change the way we react to the situation. We choose to be happy. We choose to love. We choose to forgive. We choose to serve the Lord. And as we change, we choose to become better and better.

So this week I left George to come back home. It took me a little by surprise when I got choked up leaving. I had to go into the restroom and cry in one of the stalls for just a minute. It's ok and I'm grateful to be a Grandma. He's so cute and I'm grateful that I could be there to visit and to love and help and support. I'm grateful that I can work and make a difference.

I'm grateful when my children (Carly, Cassie, Katie, Jamie and Michelle) will send a text or call. I'm glad that they see the importance in keeping connected. It makes me happy. It makes me feel loved.

I'm grateful that I think to serve others and help others. It reminds me how much I love others. I've enjoyed cleaning Julie's room and it feels good. I love to see all of you caring for others.

Gratitude makes me a happy person. I choose to be grateful. Life is Good!

xo Mommy

Mine. Seeing God's hand in my life

So my thoughts this week started as a result of a moment looking at George and realizing, "he's mine. This precious baby is mine. I'm not babysitting. This is my own." From there my thoughts went backward. When things broke off with Clint, even though I broke it off, it still hurt. I asked for a dream to give me hope. I got one but it was weird and I only understood it when praying about it later. In that dream I was told, in effect, that who I would marry was not ready yet and that my family would support me until then. When I got that answer, Jon's struggles were at a climax.

Years later, Jon is engaged but praying about it and gets an answer that he should be looking in Utah for his future wife (so he should obviously break things off with his current fiance). He didn't know a better way than online. I meanwhile had recently been impressed to get an online dating account. A stake president said if our spouse  is our number two priority in life, we should at least be looking for our number two. I felt I had no time to look and decided to let eharmony do the hard work of finding and I'd do the fun part of getting to know them and dating. For three months I paid to be matched up with others in Utah or California, and then they charged me for a fourth month and since I had already paid I figured I'd expand my search to anywhere in the world, thinking, "if it's meant to work out, someone will be able to travel". The next day Jon and I were matched.

There have been many things that make us compatible. We both like cooking and eating. We both like in n out but don't think it's all it's cracked up to be and the only way to eat their fries is animal style, otherwise they taste like cardboard. We both like to sing even though we have different tastes in music. When Jon first asked I said I liked and enjoyed almost anything... except for screaming and Opera. Jon prefers classical (including opera) and classic rock best and then jazz. And most important to me was he passed my test on eharmony. I had found that members could be on different spiritual levels. So I would ask potential dates, "do you watch r-rated movies and why or why not?" Everyone has their faults but I wanted to know their attitude towards what many consider to be a smaller commandment and one where the blessings from being obedient are not obvious. I didn't care so much if they watched r-rated movies, but more about their attitude. If they did without seeing a problem, that was a problem to me. If they did but tried not to because the prophet said not to, that was the attitude I was looking for. Jon had not been perfect but said he knew what the prophet said and was trying to be more obedient. Jon was far from perfect, but he wanted to be more obedient. That was what mattered to me. Someone who would listen to the prophets, even on smaller matters and try to become better.

I knew marrying Jon was right, though it hasn't always been easy and there have been times when we've done things that made it harder for us. But despite knowing it was right, there was part of me that felt like Jon was just one of possibly many options that were a good match for me. Since meeting Jon I have felt lucky to have found him, and have seen the Lord's hand in several things.

But with George I have realized something more. Jon was always the one I'd end up with. I have seen another sign of the Lord's hand in bringing us together. When people said how cute George was and how he looked just like me or like a Lang baby, it made me sad that there wasn't more of Jon that people saw. But Jon recently told me that he knew he'd have a son because he knew a son has been with him and watching over him over the years, like a guardian angel. George is a family name that he had had picked out for years. When George was born I said I felt that George should be the name of his son that he has felt with him and to pray and see if that son was now on earth. We prayed and Jon feels strongly that this is 'his' son- the one who has watched over Jon. But the other day as I looked at George, thinking, this guy is mine and realizing how much he looks like me, I know that Jon and I were meant to be. My son, that looks like me is also Jon's son who has been watching over him, possibly since before I was born. My son made sure we found each other and that Jon was on the right track, or at least closer to it. My son helped him find me. My son had watched over him until he met me. My son knew that things would be alright soon and we'd be sealed soon and that he could now come to earth. 

And this past week with mom here has been good, in many ways. She has helped out with moving and cleaning and organizing and decorating and hard labor and some fun on the side. But she also reminded me that Jon loves me. Sometimes he doesn't show it the way I want him to, but he does things for me. Mom pointed out that he made me breakfast the other day and pointed out how special that was. She mentioned not knowing if dad had ever made her breakfast. Granted, cooking is something Jon is good at and enjoys and not one of dad's strengths. Regardless, Jon made me eggs, bacon and french toast  (my favorite breakfast dish-mainly the French Toast, although I like all that he made). He did something for me because he loves me. I have to try and look for the things he does for me instead of the things I want him to do. And breakfast really is a thoughtful gesture since nursing makes me hungry but I wouldn't make the time to make myself a complete breakfast. And on top of it, he woke up earlier than me to do it and didn't harass me for sleeping longer (since waking up with a newborn, even a good one, is still tiring).

This week I'm grateful- for mom, for jon, for George and for George watching out for his dad until he found me and until we were on track to be sealed, so he, and also we, could have an eternal family.

And of course, now it's picture time. There's one of me as a baby and then the others should be obvious. 

It's the Little Things

It's the little things that matter most. Life will always busy. Most of what you do each day will not be what you want to do. You have to appreciate the moments that come.

I love sunsets. I love the end of the day that has been full of life. I think of sunsets when we were all together on vacation. I think of sunsets that I've witnessed at soccer games or water polo tournaments. It's like the Lord saves the best for last and gives us one last witness that it's all worth it - Life is worth living. Often Dad will call me to tell me that there is a beautiful sunset. I loved that he'll do that. I love even more that he notices.

I have been busy, but I want to take a moment. Take a moment to share, hopefully someone will at least care to read even if they do not write. Little things sometimes matter even more than the big things.

Today Jamie and I went on a drive to a little town called Nashville. We went to Target, Sam's Club, MIchaels, the grocery store. I did 4 loads of  laundry and made 4 loaves of chocolate banana bread for neighbors and doctors (that were so nice). We unpacked the dining room and finished the kitchen. I looked out Jamie's kitchen window just as the sun was setting. She has two oak trees that grow side by side into one beautiful tree in her backyard. The street she lives on is called Twin Oaks because of that. There are a few leaves still on the tree and many leaves on the grass. It gave me a serene feeling as I realized that she could see the sunset outside her kitchen window. The sunset wasn't anything memorable, but looking out and seeing it there was. It was a little thing.

As we were driving to Nashville there was something memorable. It was a windy day and leaves were falling from the trees like a soft gentle snow, constant but effortless. As we turned on a country road we watched as a wave of leaaves that covered the road swept toward us like the waves joining the shore. It almost had a life of its own. It was a little thing.

George does many little things that make me love him. Just as he is waking up and letting us know that he needs us (well most of the time he needs Mommy), I pick him up and he arches his back and brings his elbows up by his face and stretches. It's like when someone gets just the right spot when you've got an itch. He arches and stretches, leaning his head back. He's not in a hurry, he's enjoying every moment. We need to be like that. We need to pay attention to the little things and enjoy the beauty and make moments every day of our lives.

I tried to post pictures from my ipad, but couldn't figure it out. Another time, but at least I wrote. It's the little things.