Frustrations, new place, George and random spiritual thoughts

Alright so this week I've been frustrated a few times. Twice had to do with the same basic story. Family W- 4 kids, mom is dying of cancer and family C- has been in charge of renting their place out (since they're with family until she passes). Family c rented out their place but the deposit check bounced and the girl has not paid rent in 4 months. They started seeing lawyers and it's been a headache. They got called over for a maintenance request and found the toilet and sink cracked (most likely from a huge fight)and water damage and the locked room downstairs had been broken into and stuff had been stolen. Almost everything of value  (bikes, wii, and other stuff) is gone. I heard the story and was like even if this girl is getting evicted, you can't trust her with the rest of their stuff. I offered to store stuff during the eviction process in George's room and the downstairs room that we are allowed to use and since family c and family w are friends with my landlord I said, I'm sure we can ask her about storing more stuff here temporarily. Anyways, this made me frustrated at the girl that I don't know for stealing from this family that is already going through an awful time. Well this leads into situation 2. My landlord heard about the story via Facebook (the RS got involved and helped catalog stuff for a police report and move stuff out). She offered to store stuff at her house. (So obviously she doesn't mind helping out. ) family c said, yeah I talked to Jamie and she said she would ask you if we needed it and were willing to store stuff in their bedroom. But they didn't need it, they had already rented a storage unit. Anyways, landlord got mad at me, but didn't call me, called jon and chewed him out because apparently I'm not allowed to talk to others about asking my landlord or talk at all. I guess she doesn't want stuff stored there, even though she obviously doesn't care if she was offering herself (which she actually can't do workout consulting us first to have someone move it into the house while we're renting here.) I guess I should tell her we bought a $5 little basketball hoop that we're storing in her house (albeit in a room we're paying to use) because George can't use it yet. I was really mad when it happened and not in a good mood to text or call her. Number one, I have every right to bring anything into the rooms we're using in the house, so long as it doesn't damage the house or isn't against any part of our contract. Number two, I'm going to use an analogy. If her oldest child does something you don't chew out the youngest and expect results. She has my number unless she deleted it. If she's mad at me for talking to someone then she shouldn't chew out jon. Anyways, those were two things from this week. The third time I got frustrated was in Jon's behalf and I won't get into details here.

On a happier note. We found a place to live. It's a nice place and we thought it was expensive but it includes most utilities (water, sewer, trash recycling, Internet, and cable-though we haven't really used cable). We pay electric. So it'll be very close to what we were paying at our first place and it has an indoor pool and a gym and practice rooms and other stuff that we probably won't use.

George still has a cough and Jon has been sick but is getting better. Friday I sang "he came for me" at institute. That night we had our married institute class. Saturday Jon's students in Bedford had a recital and that night we fed the missionaries and then I went to a lesson with the sisters. Today we had church which was good. I got to stay in for almost all of the classes. Then we drove out to Illinois where half of Jon's students there were in Peter pan, the musical. George liked it when they started "flying". He like perked up and leaned forward. He also really liked the green light for tinker bell.

George has slept through the night 3 times this week! His new trick is shaking his head no (there was a little girl doing it at church today).George looks a little drunk doing it but has picked it up quickly. He has gotten on his knees two or three times but won't crawl. He did try to pull himself up and stand but couldn't quite get it.

Spiritual thoughts: from institute on Friday there was a quote that said something like, just because there is something worse doesn't make something bad, right. Like just because there are r-rated movies doesn't make a pg-13 movie good (not that they're necessarily bad, that's just my example. I think he had a better one).

From the missionary lesson, “no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness” (Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, Oct. 1995, 22; or Ensign, Nov. 1995, 19). This statement is very full of hope.

From sacrament meeting today a 4 year old boy got up and said
"I believe in Jesus Christ
And you should too
He is our Savior
And He'll save you". Then he sat down on the stand and waited for his dad to bear a testimony.

In Sunday school we were talking about parables and someone brought up how being born again is a mini parable because he didn't mean to climb back into our mother's womb and be born again. I started thinking about birth. At our birth we take on the name of our parents. We start fresh. It is a beginning. We are clean. (If we really consider this a parable it is another testimony of how children are born free of sin and are innocent until the age of accountability- if they weren't then it wouldn't be a good parable for how baptism cleanses us.)

And from Relief society we were talking about the importance of the First Vision. The teacher asked why it could be considered the most important event after Jesus Christ's life, ministry, Atonement, death and resurrection. It made me think of my own answer. Jesus Christ is the most important but if He is not on the earth, the most important person would be His mouthpiece- our Prophet. But we would not have a prophet today if it were not for Joseph smith's vision. Sure, there were many miracles in the old Testament but the most important prophet is whichever one is living and telling us what we need to know now. In the old Testament that would've been those prophets, but now it's Thomas s Monson who is only a prophet because of Joseph smith's First Vision.

RFRA, Any Opposed?, and Easter

Alright, so this week. .. we went and saw a lot of apartments and have been trying to decide where to move. It's been busy. And then we cooked (jambalaya) for institute and the institute choir sang. George got sick and is still sick-poor guy. He has a cough. He is fighting naps though and as a result is conking out earlier in the evening. He has gone to bed between 8:30-9:30 for three nights now and has slept till 4 am  (a great stretch! )

For Easter, I went to the dollar store to pick up a few things. I hid eggs for jon to find and then left a bag and told him to hide some for me. I read a thing about making Jesus baskets instead of Easter baskets. .. so I found some fake candles to represent Christ and then George got some Christian board books (an Easter one from mom and a bible ABC book from me)- the rest was normal easter stuff, so not exactly the Jesus baskets described. I also got bubbles for George- not quite ready for that but we'll keep them and try again in a few months. He watched them but we didn't get any other reaction. He really liked the fake grass.

We had the sister missionaries and a recent convert over for the first session today. We had the entemanns cheese coffee crumb cake thing for a snack. This morning jon sang at another church but I stayed home with George (since he's sick). We had ham and potatoes for dinner.

So conference- I liked many of the talks. Some talks I heard snippets of and thought I'm going to need to re read that one when I'm not distracted with George. I felt like there were many needed talks. I don't know if you're aware but there's a huge ordeal here with indiana passing a religious freedom restoration bill or a RFRA. So many people have called it unconstitutional, but this country was founded on religious freedoms. Making a law to help protect those rights is not unconstitutional. It has reminded me of prop 8 and done of the hostility then. I'm also surprised at how many members here have spoken out about the bill, and many of those I thought were intelligent enough to base their opinions on the actual law instead of celebrities that are not known for being brilliant law interpreters or even that brilliant in anything. Anyways, there were good talks that I felt said things that needed to be said with the RFRA bill being passed.

We were having connection problems with our Internet so we actually missed the live clip of "any opposed? ". Jon and I read up about a few things on their page. First, on their page, they were helping people get tickets so they could go to oppose and encouraged them to oppose out loud since the general authorities would probably not be able to see their hand with the lights on their faces and with how many people are there. Makes sense. But, general conference isn't the only time we sustain our leaders. Are they not active to attend their local meetings throughout the year to oppose them in a setting where they don't have to be disruptive or thought to be rude? I'll say more on opposing leaders in a minute. Next I need to quickly mention another thing that is on their page. They say there are many different reasons people oppose. One of which, is concerning LGBT, and how they are denied sexual needs "fundamental to human happiness". To put it bluntly, there are two reasons for sex - one is for procreation (which only happens between a man and a woman) and the other is to strengthen our relationship with our partner. There is no need to strengthen a relationship sexual that will never, on earth or in heaven, be able to procreate. And as for fundamental to one's happiness? I didn't know Sheri Dew (as one example) was incapable of achieving happiness because she has been denied this "need". Our happiness is not dependent on anything sexual. The natural man is an enemy to god. One of our purposes in this life is to learn to control our bodies. To bridle our passions and let our spirits have control. Anyways, I'm choosing not to go on there.

Members have the right to oppose our leaders. Reasons to oppose are if we feel they are unworthy to receive the necessary revelation to fulfill their calling. If we oppose, we are pulled aside after to discuss our concerns. Our leaders are still human and capable of making mistakes. But, even if we have the right to oppose, it is only to let our concerns be known. It is by no means a vote, but it gives the chance to reaffirm revelation. Let's use an example from the early church. Let's say I knew someone was conspiring against Joseph in the 12. If I opposed and told Joseph afterwards, then they may have been released/excommunicated. But just because I don't like what they say doesn't mean it's not from God. "Whether by mine own voice or the voice of my servants the prophets, it is the same. " (possibly not the exact quote, it's in D&C 1). Some of our core beliefs include the Savior's Atonement and resurrection. And because he lives, he still lives us enough to call a prophet. This is where we differ from other churches. We believe our prophets and apostles are called of God and that when they speak to us (especially in general conference and any message with the seal of the first presidency) it is what God wants said. If we don't like what's being said, well that's tough. The wicked take the truth to be hard. We do not believe that mankind, imperfect, know more than God and to say that what he is telling us through his prophets isn't right is to tell God, Himself, that He is wrong. In that case, what point is there in changing a church run by God, if one feels they know better than Him. It doesn't matter if we understand why a commandment is asked of us, it matters that we follow because we have faith in God knowing more than we do. It doesn't matter if the world is different- we believe we should be in the world but not of it. It doesn't matter if we don't like what's being said, our duty is to trust God. God trusts His prophets and apostles; and if God trusts them, who am I to know better than Him? I know Christ lives and that he had restored His church on the earth with a prophet leading it. I know Christ talks to His prophets and apostles. I know that when they speak, they are speaking for Him, whether I like it or not it's what I need to hear and what I need to do. My job is to pray for understanding and help in being faithful to what is said. If I legitimately know of something that makes an apostle unworthy to receive the revelation needed to fulfill his calling, then and only then, will I oppose, temporarily. I will relay what I may know and then trust in God's servants. If the calling remains the same, then it is my duty to sustain them. God has forgiven them and so must I.

I want to end on a less intense note since today was easter. There has been a lot happening recently and honestly I could've vented even more than I did. With everything happening it has reaffirmed a few things to me. This Church is true. What that really means. There is no need for love and tolerance unless there are different views to be tolerated and loved. It is important for us to stand up for what we believe in. The loudest voice isn't necessarily right. There was one talk that said that the media portrays things that aren't mainstream, but they are the loudest messages. This is what is happening with the RFRA bill. Those who support religious freedom are silenced or drowned out. Today in one of the talks, I don't remember what the speaker said, but I started to think of the prodigal son and how we are all prodigal sons. And then, sure enough the speaker then brought up the story and then related how we are all prodigal sons. We all squander our inheritance in different ways, and we all return at different times (this reminded me if the parable of the laborers who were all paid the same amount despite how much of the day they worked). But there is always a celebration, for us, when we return. This is because we have a loving heavenly father. The one brother who stayed behind and didn't squander his inheritance is the one who atoned for us and died for us. He will allow us to be joint heirs with Him. In our stories, both the Father and Son who remained both run to meet us and prepare the celebration.

A few weeks together

Alright so I missed a post last week and I don't know if I can remember two weeks. Mom called on a Tuesday and asked if it's be crazy and willing enough to fly out with George on Thursday. So I said yes. I had to pack carefully since I would have to carry everything and George by myself. Anyways, that was an adventure preparing for that. So I flew out. Thursday night we stayed home. Friday we got nails done, eyebrows waxed and some shoe shopping. That evening was time out for women. Jenny Oaks baker was amazing. Among others. I was a little worried about George- not because I didn't trust danny and Julie but because it was the longest I've been away. Saturday George came with us. I didn't pay as much attention to the speakers but I also wasn't worried about George. That evening I took a nap when we got home and woke up in time for pizza. Sunday was good with church and then I don't remember what else, but grandma's house that night. Monday, mom, grandma, julie, George and I went to the Santa Barbara zoo. Originally Michele was going to come with us but she wasn't feeling well. That night we got pictures done.  Tuesday we went to get George's haircut, then shopping- Shoes for me, clothes for George, even 2 tops for jon. Wednesday morning I went to Annas house. Came home, packed, took pictures (after haircut), went to lunch and ran to the airport. It was a very good trip and I knew before hand but was reminded that Danny and Michelle will make great parents. Took it easy on Thursday and Friday and got back on schedule. Saturday jon and I took George for a walk. Later we went for a drive around town looking at apartments. Last night I got George to sleep and then fell asleep myself for 2 hours, then George woke up and I couldn't get back to sleep. I prayed for danny and Michelle, thought about baby names,and was actually fasting for the first time since finding out I was pregnant. They tell nursing mothers not to fat because it can affect milk production but I thought this was worth it. I felt great- not as hungry as I thought I'd be. Choir sang in sacrament meeting today and I thought they sounded good. I almost fell asleep in gospel doctrine though. (I think I got a total of 3 hours of sleep Saturday night). Relief society George was passed around. Anyways, things have been good and crazy.

Funny mini story, not laugh out loud funny, just more unique?: on the flight to California, I was playing with George on the plane and all of a sudden realized that our oxygen masks has fallen. I almost reached up to grab one for me and then for George when I realized, no one else on the plane has masks hanging above their heads. Just our row. The man on the aisle eventually saw them looked around and then made a face at me like he was about to laugh. His wife or girlfriend was asleep on his shoulder but I think he did chuckle cause she woke up to something and noticed the oxygen masks. She looked up and was like, "we're low on oxygen? " I said,  "yep, but just our row." Later she said that what I said was funny but she was tired and it took her a minute to process that our row wasn't actually low on oxygen. For future notice, there are 4 masks in each row. So if you are flying one day with a child on your lap, make sure no one else has a child on their lap so you'll have enough masks to go around.

So adding on another week. This week we spent a lot of time apartment/house shopping. Most places here start at $700 and go up. There's one place that's below that because it's specialized housing but the wait list is over 70 people. You can jump the wait list if you take over someone else's lease, so we'll have to look into that, but there's still paper work too. We found out on Saturday that if you are on the wait list you can't take someone else's lease. So, anyways, we're looking for a backup because apparently a few families are trying to use stake connections as far as who might be moving out of that complex. We found a listing for a 3 bedroom home with a 2 car garage for $850/month-an awesome deal, so we have an appointment to see that and a few more places this week.

We're not quite sure what to do though. We think we'll stay in Bloomington, but there are two opportunities for jon where being in Bloomington would be inconvenient. So we're not sure we want to sign a lease somewhere yet. There is an opening that hasn't been posted yet for music faculty at a university in Terra haute. We have a friend there who can put in a good word for jon, but since he's not in the vocal musical department, we're not sure if his word and Jon's resume will be enough. Then at the community college in Illinois, there's a possibility that Jon may run the music department there for a year (which would look awesome on a resume but would be full time and we'd want to live closer). That one, the current head of the music department is Jeshua. He graduated from a university in Washington that has contacted him about filling a vacancy they have for a year which gives them time to do a complete nationwide search to fill the position permanently, but they haven't decided of that's what they'll do yet. They told him they'd let him know by the end of may. If he leaves, he wants to recommend jon to fill in in Illinois for a year. Jeshua does have a big say so there but not the final word. Anyways, we're looking for places in Bloomington but we don't want to sign a lease for a year yet because we may not want to be in Bloomington. But we need to be out of the house by June 1st. Jon is taking tests over the summer. One will be on June 8th and the other the middle of July (that was the first and last slots available for summer). So we're debating subleasing or putting stuff in storage and heading west for the summer. If we put stuff in storage, we will likely stay in a cheap motel in Bloomington for a week (til the first test) and then head out west. And then fly or drive back in time for the second one depending on if we know where we're moving to or any other reasons.

That was most of our week. We also went to the library and institute and cleaned the church on Saturday. Oh on that note, they planned that poorly. They assigned families to clean the church. They assigned one part member family that isn't very active, one small family (who happened to be out of town) and three other families. They always assign 5 families. But essentially they planned for only three families to clean which consists of 6 adults, 3 kids under the age of one and one rambunctious toddler who is the terror of all the nurseries. Needless to say, we recruited 3 other families and 6 missionaries to help and it still took 3 hours to clean the church.

I ended up with food poisoning and didn't make it to church yesterday. But things are good and George is doing well too. He slept through the night once last week- improvement! (7 hours of uninterrupted sleep! )

Spiritual thought- with the general women's conference I felt like I needed to do a better job of making our house a home and safe haven. I want to be better at having a homey smell that permeates the house and have music that invites  peace. I want to emphasize the importance of scriptures and scripture study. I liked the one quote that tied God to motherhood, but I didn't write it down.

One last note- I did visiting teaching this last week. We taught one lady at the church and then after I went with her to the next room- the family history center. I know how to register with ancestry. Com and a few other sites! I'll send the link to everyone so they can set up their free accounts to use whenever.

A piece of life.

This week has been busy like every other week. It started out with me feeling very apathetic about it all. I studied the first half of the week for my Intro to Organic Chemistry class- felt good about it. Took the test and walked out with a C. Sometimes i wonder if it is even worth studying! IT was kinda frustrating. After the other week with the boy I liked I tried to just see him as a friend. Well, it did not work. I saw him every day in class and then I think everyday after class to study for the test and a class that he had missed. I hate that I have to move forward, without him and I just really dont want to. It amazes me how much I am caught up in him and we have only been on one official date. 

Sports- my soccer team got pumped up 2 division and I was pretty nervous for our game- we won 8-1 so  I guess we belong there. I really like my team, they are good but also just fun. I showed m intertube waterpolo team the syncrinzed swimming caps and they love them. We won our first game. Then for wallyball we can only lose one more time. (I think that one I am the least committed to; but Eden gets pretty into it which is kinda funny). 

It turned out for the better: this weekend I was supposed to go camping with Eden and Dakota right after I got out of the hospital on Friday. Well, I get a text from her right as I am walking into the hospital saying they cant go anymore; I was really bummed because I had all these great plans to get out of Provo a lot this semester and none of them have happened just because this semester had a lot of twists and turns and tears with it all. I ended up working late at the hospital late that day; BUT, I actually got to help on a procedure. I didn’t do much but all the nurses were occupied so I watched a super elderly lady when they weren’t in the room. I quickly loved her- she reminded me of grandpa and Norma- I got her water and had to help her drink it. Then I had to help get her in the bed, held her legs as the nurse put all the stuff on her wounds; then when we went to check on her bed sore we found a surprise and had to change a full diaper haha. It was really nice to be able to help- I really am glad that I did this. A little tender mercy to me was hearing the other nurses, med. techs, and receptionist honestly tell me how much they love me. Apparently the other volunteers are always trying to just do homework or counting the minutes until they can leave. I am constantly asking what can I do, do you need help?, cleaning something, and just hoping there is something for me to do. I wish I could do more. The nurse said that is why she felt comfortable asking me if I could help with the procedure because I actually want to be there. (I also tend to stay late; technically my shift ends at 4 but there is usually only a few more patients and so just stay and finish with everyone. It makes me laugh a bit because the volunteer office said that they could not write me a letter of recommendation because I am leaving early; but I wonder if they even talk to the people that I work with because they love me… I had another little scare- during the procedure I almost fainted again. I have noticed my heart rate is pretty low (like right now was 48beats/minute). I did not really too much before I worked, or maybe it was the smell and it is always warm in the clinic. So I am not sure. I feel fine when I am working out which I feel if it was an actual problem that I should have looked at then it would show up more when I am working out and running; but it is when I finally stop and am just observing- I dont feel like it is what I am seeing- though I have learned that I do not think that I want to be a surgeion- but maybe I am locking my knees. Well, something that I am going to have to watch…

So instead of going camping I made my own fun. The one boy told me that I should take his tent so I didnt have to share with a married couple. So he made fun of the fact that I did not know how to set up a tent- he showed me and then let me take it. Well, my pride was on the line so I set up the tent all by myself in my living room to make sure his tent did not go to waste and to prove that I could set up a tent! And YES I slept in it :) Though I am too bony and now have a bruise on my hip… I need to learn to sleep on my back I guess. I watched a movie in my fort about Hawaii- it was good and just good night of nothing! Then Saturday, a friend from the mission took me repelling! Oh my it is super fun :) I am a natural is what they told me and that I was ready to try canyoneering- not sure if dad knows what that is but I dont know if he would approve either. But I am going to go the next time they go! It is a little scary to get over the edge but then it is just fun :) Also, MIkaela and Brandon are going to take me rock climbing this coming friday which I am really excited for. Also, Mikaela is going to try and set me up with a boy that she works with, that might be good to help move forward. Cousins dinner is tomorrow- I figured since I didnt go camping I could organize this haha. but I am excited for it. 

Well, I am trying to stay calm. If I start thinking about everything I get super overwhelmed; so instead I just try and stay focused on a few things. Accomplish them and then move on to the next thing. It was  good weekend- I wish that I was home to see George! But I am doing much better than last week- getting out and doing something that I am only doing for fun is good for me. There is no obligation other than to enjoy myself- those moments are great! I still have no idea where my life is going but I just have to keep walking and know that it will end up a beautiful masterpiece! Aloha wau ia oe!  

Burdens and Trials - Listen to Your Heart - Find Jesus There - Do

There's a story of a little boy that has serious heart issues. The doctor tells him that he is going to cut open his heart to see what's going on in there. The boy cheerfully replies, "You'll find Jesus there". The surgery happens and the findings are bleak. The little boy has no hope of survival. The doctor feels despondent and is angry with the Lord. Why? His bitterness is intensified when he remembers his feelings that he's had. His wife died a year ago and there seems to be no reason why. Then he remembers the little boys remarks, "You'll find Jesus there."? It's a long night and the doctor can't get that out of his head. He goes early to the hospital to visit the boy and let him know his findings. The boy is still sleeping. The doctor sits quietly pondering and after a time the boy wakes up. He looks at the doctor and asked, "What did you find?" The doctor pauses and said, "You were right, I found Jesus there."

Life is never going to be easy. It wasn't suppose to be.  Life's purpose is not to avoid trials and they aren't just to endure. We are to lay our burdens at his feet, we are to put on the armor of God which is light, and we are to stand strong amidst our trials. And THEN, we need to find hope and truth and light in knowing that all things are for our good.  Not necessarily how we would want them, but for our good. Usually it's not what we want and that's how it's suppose to be. Mosiah 24:14,15 (which in my scriptures is marked in red and has Carly's name by it with the date 11/13 and now Cassie's name with the date 3/15:
And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

And in the next verse:
And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the  Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

If the atonement is real, then if you have faith and patience, the burdens will be made light. The test is "How much will we LET the Lord help us?" It's hard to let go, to walk in the dark, we're afraid to fall.   It's being on that cliff and having to jump off and I have to laugh thinking of how hard that was for Deanie in Hana years ago. We are strong women (since Danny doesn't write much) and we are talented. It's easier to do things ourselves and to be in control than it is to let someone else help us. Why? Because we either think we can do it or we want to prove that we can do it. Or is it because we know we can do it better than someone else? It's great to reach for the stars and have high goals. The Lord can make impossible things possible. So I think the key is to always "Make" the time to listen to the Lord. And after we hear - DO - what he tells us. When we keep plugging along and not making the time, the path gets dark and lonely until we feel hopeless. That is where Satan wants us to go. When we are feeling like the burdens are heavy we need to stop and feel the Savior's love. I have been so impressed with how Cassie has done this this semester. She'll take a walk on Sundays, serve others, listen and do what she feels the Lord wants her to do. We all realize she has too much on her plate and as she takes off all that she doesn't need there, it will still be heaping full. The mission has prepared you for this. Do the "Samoan Roll" and take one bite of a time. It's one of those days when you've got 3 dinners to eat. Those polynesians know how to do it and with joy! haha (Actually it doesn't seem that they eat as much as they are trying to make you eat. Maybe that's their secret - get someone else to eat it so you don't have to. I'll have to think about that).

Burdens and trials will always be there. Listen to your heart. Find Jesus there. Let him comfort you and show you the way. I have been trying to do this. As I was listening the other day, "give your husband a compliment each day". My first thought was how can I do this, we don't even talk and he's passive aggressive and is being a total baby right now. And I know that he will stay like this longer than I will be able to stand it. So what do I do about it? I compliment him. The first one wasn't really honest, but it was something he wanted to hear. I told him it looked like he had lost some weight. It might have been honest, but I hadn't really noticed. The next day it was "Thank you for doing stupid things". We were talking about Julie's car that she will be getting soon. I'm still having a hard time with it. And yesterday I laid in bed and couldn't think of one or how to say it. We are at least talking now and you can see that I'm not doing a great job at all. But if I listen to the Lord and do what he tells me, miracles will happen. So I will keep trying.

I love you all so very much and I am very proud of you. AND I think I am most proud of you when you do fall, and pick yourself up, apply the atonement, and get on with life. And when you do that you just become more beautiful to me!!!

MUAY! and these words ring true for me today - Cherish ... Fricken Wow!!!!! Go TEAM SWAN!

xo Mommy

Hope

This lady week. Tuesday I went to a friend's house and dressed up "Georgina"- a one time thing that I didn't plan on sharing on Facebook. Oh well. That night was a relief society activity on scripture study. I went late because George had not been sleeping well and when he took a nap I decided I wasn't going to wake him. It was good-they talked about family scripture study, personal scripture study and studying as a couple. All of my scripture study could be improved. I'm going I will have a routine down by the time George can remember. Jon and I have tried now and then but we're not great. Several people mentioned that they feel a gospel conversation with their spouse is more important than reading scriptures with them. So I want to start discussing what we learn in our personal studies and share testimonies in a sense each day. This also means I'll have to read daily to have something to share.

Wednesday I took a lady (I now visit teach her) to a doctor's appointment. I then went shopping, briefly, for George and got him some plastic animals! I want him to have done of the basics- a shape toy (like a shape sorter), animals, eventually some type of car and train set. .. but different things so he can explore, create, learn, and experience different types of play. Anyways, then I picked up George, went back to get the lady and took her to the pharmacy. I waited for her there-i think it took an hour-but a long time. I locked the doors and fed George in the back seat and got him out to play. Jon picked up subway and we ate in the car. Then I dropped her back off at home. I got home and had a little while before going out with the missionaries. We went to a member's home who lives about 30 minutes away to teach his brother. George slept for part of the drive. The member, brother Thomas asked to hold George. His wife has been gone for a few weeks visiting grandkids around the country. Brother Thomas asked if he could feed him applesauce, so I said sure.  George's first applesauce. We left a little before planned because of an incoming snowstorm. I dropped off the missionaries but invited the sisters back for dinner before institute choir. (Choir ended up being canceled due to snow).

Thursday we went grocery shopping and then I didn't go anywhere else with George. Friday was world day of prayer. RaeAnn, a friend here, had offered to host it at our church and helped put together part of the program. I guess every year the organization picks a country that writes a program and prayer that is said all over the world, but then there's some flexibility within the program. She had asked me and some others to sing a primary sing that fit with the theme. For the scripture reading, she used a part of one of the new videos or church has. She also used clips of the Mormon tabernacle choir and had a lady in our ward give a talk about how the theme for this year applied to her. It had to do with the Savior washing his apostles feet and saying do you know what I have done for you? The lady  (since I've been here) recently had her 4th child. Things were normal until her 7th month and she started experiencing a lot of pain. There were many complications and a lot of blood. I can't remember how much blood but it was a large amount. I have a friend who works in labor and delivery and also helps in emergency cases and she said she's never seen anything that bad before. Both her and her baby are a miracle. And then after there was food that's common to the country (this year was the Bahamas). Anyways, that was good and fun. I missed institute but we went to the married class that evening. It was on callings.

Saturday we went to the ymca, and then to red lobster for lunch. Oh, Friday, jon talked to one of the teachers on his committee about the test. She had given two questions and I guess passed one but "hadn't wanted to".I guess it said to discuss something about 8 arias briefly. The other question said to use complete sentences and this one did not, so jon used bullet points. She gave a time limit of 30 minutes and I guess was mad that his interpretation of briefly was not complete sentences and was not over 8 pages long. (I don't know how you could both gather your thoughts and write over 8 pages of complete sentences in just 30 minutes). Anyways, the other question had to do with tenor roles he's performed. When telling him what to study she said she wanted his approach to the roles and his experience performing them. When writing this way she said it was too personal and that he was an arrogant tenor thinking his approachwas what the world revolved around. Jon didn't say anything back to her, but I guess she didn't actually want any of his personal experience or approach at all. Red lobster was jons choice,as a result of that meeting (we try to go out once a week). We brought these mesh food things for George and I put some potato from my soup in it (which he really liked) and then some broccoli.   After we went to the library and then I think home again.

Stake conference was rescheduled for this week and it was all about the temple and genealogy work. It was good and we sang in the choir. Bishop and his family watched George for us. Then this evening I had choir rehearsal! This is exciting because it's just me and it's paid! The first time I'm getting paid to sing ($250- a little more than $10/hr of rehearsal and performance time). It's an interesting piece by John Adams about 9/11... not sure why they're performing it in April though. .. I told them I often sing 2nd soprano but occasionally am asked and like to sing 1st soprano. Well I got there and they assigned me as 1st alto. Oh well. So I went with it. The lowest note is not very low but there are times when the 1st Altos are singing a high g (1st soprano range). It will be difficult but fun I think. :-)

Something fun- we're trying to organize a group to do a musical concert for kids. Songs we might do include: Skinnamarinkidinkidink, banana phone (by Raffi ), and maybe the theme to pink panther? And others. Just fun songs that introduce kids to different instruments and songs and types of music. We have friends with young kids who might be interested who can play the trumpet, jazz piano (and just piano),trombone, guitar, clarinet, violin, french horn and flute. If people are interested they'd learn to play a few songs and we'd see if the library would host it (they have a small theater where they do other things for families and kids )or somewhere else. We'll video tape it if we can put it together.

Spiritual thought comes from the relief society activity on scripture study. They had us divide in groups and practice a group study session and had picked out this talk for one of the groups. First off, the whole talk is good, "the infinite power of hope" by dieter f. Uchtdorf, October 2008, but I specifically liked this quote: "Is it possible to imagine a more glorious future than the one prepared for us by our Heavenly Father? ...No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” 26"

At times I have to remind myself that there is nothing better than God's plan for me, even when it's not turning out how I wanted. He is perfect. He will not lead us astray. The reward and what He is preparing for us, we could not want anything more. But when we don't see the end result sometimes it's hard to remember to have hope in this statement. Can you imagine a better life, a better reward, than the one that a loving Father and perfect God has planned for you?

And pictures:

Summary of a Catch Up

I know this is going to be a marathon post and I am sorry for that. I have not really written the entire semester and for that I am once again sorry. I think some of you know what has been going on but maybe not all of you (aka Mom, Carly, and Katie to a point). Life has been hard and I have felt extremely overwhelmed to the point of tears. I wrote the following about 2 weeks ago- one of the crying days and decided to not post it because I did not want a million phone calls from everyone but decided that was dumb. (Though I still do not want everyone to call me because I am doing fine.)

Well, I think it has been a month of not writing. A missionary is taught that you should only feel happy. We are the “icon” of the church. We should be smiling and full of the  Spirit. Well, dang it that is not how it is. Somedays are just crappy. I have missed feeling so much and I have prayed so many times to just let me be able to write again… I felt like it was something that was taken from me when I was called as a missionary. Well, today I finally felt the need- I felt the familiar feeling of, “Cassie you need to leave. Get out and go somewhere. Well I did and now I don’t feel it anymore and I hate iIT!!!! Why is this so hard? I am finally being raw- I am scared! I am terrified of my future. Where is it gong? I feel like I am spinning out of control and I understand anorexic people wanting to be able to control at least one thing in their life. I know that Mom, Carly and Katie are worried about me. I have lost 20 or more pounds since being home. I am not sure how much was lost healthily. The fact is this, I like being skinny but I never lost it by intentionally stressing myself out and not eating. I am working on being healthy; to keep the same weight but keep it off in a healthy way. Friday, confirmed to me that I need to slow down. I have been having a good amount of impressions that I am doing too much; but, I am prideful and did not want to admit to myself that I couldn't do everything as much as I want to do. I am being humbled. I have had the thought, “Cassie, you are promised to be healthy, strong and physically able if you follow my commandments.” Others have been, “If you want cancer- keep pushing yourself till you break, until your body shuts down and then how much more of a failure will that be? I hate having to admit that I just am not strong enough. Oh right, what really scared me was friday; I almost fainted twice while at the hospital. I dont know what caused it variables include: being on my period, stress, lack of sleep, depriving myself of lots of things like peace of mind, or the fact that I could see this guys intestines (but thinking back on it really doesnt bother me. I had just eaten a real meal (not just a handful of carrots and almonds) so  I cancel out low blood sugars or lack of water because I have been drinking at least 6 glasses for the past month, (you all should be proud of that fact). I did not like that I did not know why this was happening and maybe it was a fluke thing or maybe it was Heavenly Father saying, “No, my child; please, stop pushing yourself more than I am asking. In stake conference today I realized that I put my expectations of myself above that of Heavenly Fathers sometimes. Also, the fact that He is trying to tell me that now is the time for me to learn how to take care of myself so that I can better serve Him the rest of my life. I talked to the hospital, they are not happy that I will be leaving in April; I felt a little bad but I dont think I care. I now need to call my shift coordinator and figure out how being released as a temple worker is done. This one I feel bad about. I do not want to stop; but I know that Heavenly Father has carried me this far into the semester without failing out and now He is saying it is time to stop when the temple is more a cause of stress than peace.

I finally did something for me- I just wrote when I really should be studying for a test that i am taking late tomorrow. Life is still good but I feel very lost and confused. I wanted to date for the first time ever in my life so I prayed for it. This past month I have gone on more dates than I have in my entire life combined I would guess. It has been fun, it has been incredibly flattering because I know that I am decent looking but I think I am just above average- I am not crazy beautiful and my makeup is never done to make myself look flawless. I dont put out just for fun. I am not over the top flirty, I am athletic but no speciality. I do not follow tv shows, actresses or movies and so I get left out of a lot of conversations. I can hold a tune and sing in a choir but not really a good solo voice. I am smart but I work my butt of for the grades I get. I know the stories of the scriptures but cant tell you where any of them are. So, I have been dating and let one of the guys die down, another I need to talk to this week and I feel awful that I have to end things with I am just not attracted to you there is nothing about you that is wrong I just do not feel it; and I think he wants to go forward. The one person I do want to date is so dense that he won’t make a single move! If I want it bad enough then I am going to have to tell him point blank. Dating has its owns stresses and problems. 

Fast forward to now: I am pretty sure that I live for sundays! It is the only day where I feel peace for more than 5 minutes at a time. Its the day when I won’t let myself work because its against the commandments (but I have thought about it multiple times) I have my first C after the past test. And Yes, mom I know that I should bring my grades up and yes that I took to much on. But plenty of people hold a job and go to school (wether they get As and Bs like me I do not know.) I have my goals to raise my B and current C back to As. And since the only guy I have actually wanted to date since being home from the mission friend zoned me this week. I think this is a reasonable goal. And yes it hurt a little more than I wanted it to. My dating streak has come to an end- now back to the library for late and lonely nights. I guess the library is how I cope. I can control how much home work I do and then hopefully get the As I expect of myself. Life is still good- even though there are a lot of things that stress me out if I start to think past the next 30 minutes- there is still a lot to be grateful for. I am so grateful that Katie and Carly came down this weekend. I loved playing waterpolo with Katie. And sometimes, I am so grateful that I can be immature with her and laugh a lot and do stupid impulsive things that Carly does not approve of ;) I am grateful for eternal families and especially the one that I have. 

I am grateful for Alma 13:27-30, “And now, my brethren, I wish from the inmost part of my heart, yea, with great anxiety even unto pain, that ye would hearken unto my words, and cast off your sins, and not procrastinate the day of your repentance; But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek, submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering; Having faith on the Lord; having a hope that ye shall receive eternal life; having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter int his rest.” So, I am trying to become this scripture and have faith, hope that my life will go according to His plan, and to never let myself loose my ability to love all those around me no matter the circumstances that are happening in my life at the moment. I am very excited to come home for spring and summer and to finally feel at home for the first time probably since high school. I love you all and please know that I am doing okay.

Utah

So this week is going to be busy with school, but it'll be a good one! :)

Right now, I'm in Utah visiting Cassie with Katie. We were going to have a craft wars but we ended up making scarves! They're super easy and really cute! It was a nice relaxing night. 

Yesterday, I went on another date with Jordan. Jordan was a blind date from 2 weeks ago with Cassie and we just instantly got along. So yesterday, I actually went to dinner at his house with his whole family. It was fun. Made me miss our family! We're a little more fun! But it was nice. His grandma is from Mexico so she and I chatted in Spanish for a bit. Jordan's Dad and Jordan's brother challenged us to fooseball. I would like to say that you should all be proud! We won! And it wasn't just because Jordan was on my team. I held my own :) then we went to the Jazz game which they won against the Milwaukee Bucks (apparently they're ranked pretty high?) so that was exciting.

So far I really just like being around him. Super nice, smart and fun. Katie says he passes the good looking test as well. :) Oh and we've held hands but that's it. So he's a very nice and respectful boy. 

Other than that, my life is pretty normal. I took a tour of Aveda and really loved it. So I'm thinking about going to school there. 

I love you all! :)