I know this is going to be a marathon post and I am sorry for that. I have not really written the entire semester and for that I am once again sorry. I think some of you know what has been going on but maybe not all of you (aka Mom, Carly, and Katie to a point). Life has been hard and I have felt extremely overwhelmed to the point of tears. I wrote the following about 2 weeks ago- one of the crying days and decided to not post it because I did not want a million phone calls from everyone but decided that was dumb. (Though I still do not want everyone to call me because I am doing fine.)
Well, I think it has been a month of not writing. A missionary is taught that you should only feel happy. We are the “icon” of the church. We should be smiling and full of the Spirit. Well, dang it that is not how it is. Somedays are just crappy. I have missed feeling so much and I have prayed so many times to just let me be able to write again… I felt like it was something that was taken from me when I was called as a missionary. Well, today I finally felt the need- I felt the familiar feeling of, “Cassie you need to leave. Get out and go somewhere. Well I did and now I don’t feel it anymore and I hate iIT!!!! Why is this so hard? I am finally being raw- I am scared! I am terrified of my future. Where is it gong? I feel like I am spinning out of control and I understand anorexic people wanting to be able to control at least one thing in their life. I know that Mom, Carly and Katie are worried about me. I have lost 20 or more pounds since being home. I am not sure how much was lost healthily. The fact is this, I like being skinny but I never lost it by intentionally stressing myself out and not eating. I am working on being healthy; to keep the same weight but keep it off in a healthy way. Friday, confirmed to me that I need to slow down. I have been having a good amount of impressions that I am doing too much; but, I am prideful and did not want to admit to myself that I couldn't do everything as much as I want to do. I am being humbled. I have had the thought, “Cassie, you are promised to be healthy, strong and physically able if you follow my commandments.” Others have been, “If you want cancer- keep pushing yourself till you break, until your body shuts down and then how much more of a failure will that be? I hate having to admit that I just am not strong enough. Oh right, what really scared me was friday; I almost fainted twice while at the hospital. I dont know what caused it variables include: being on my period, stress, lack of sleep, depriving myself of lots of things like peace of mind, or the fact that I could see this guys intestines (but thinking back on it really doesnt bother me. I had just eaten a real meal (not just a handful of carrots and almonds) so I cancel out low blood sugars or lack of water because I have been drinking at least 6 glasses for the past month, (you all should be proud of that fact). I did not like that I did not know why this was happening and maybe it was a fluke thing or maybe it was Heavenly Father saying, “No, my child; please, stop pushing yourself more than I am asking. In stake conference today I realized that I put my expectations of myself above that of Heavenly Fathers sometimes. Also, the fact that He is trying to tell me that now is the time for me to learn how to take care of myself so that I can better serve Him the rest of my life. I talked to the hospital, they are not happy that I will be leaving in April; I felt a little bad but I dont think I care. I now need to call my shift coordinator and figure out how being released as a temple worker is done. This one I feel bad about. I do not want to stop; but I know that Heavenly Father has carried me this far into the semester without failing out and now He is saying it is time to stop when the temple is more a cause of stress than peace.
I finally did something for me- I just wrote when I really should be studying for a test that i am taking late tomorrow. Life is still good but I feel very lost and confused. I wanted to date for the first time ever in my life so I prayed for it. This past month I have gone on more dates than I have in my entire life combined I would guess. It has been fun, it has been incredibly flattering because I know that I am decent looking but I think I am just above average- I am not crazy beautiful and my makeup is never done to make myself look flawless. I dont put out just for fun. I am not over the top flirty, I am athletic but no speciality. I do not follow tv shows, actresses or movies and so I get left out of a lot of conversations. I can hold a tune and sing in a choir but not really a good solo voice. I am smart but I work my butt of for the grades I get. I know the stories of the scriptures but cant tell you where any of them are. So, I have been dating and let one of the guys die down, another I need to talk to this week and I feel awful that I have to end things with I am just not attracted to you there is nothing about you that is wrong I just do not feel it; and I think he wants to go forward. The one person I do want to date is so dense that he won’t make a single move! If I want it bad enough then I am going to have to tell him point blank. Dating has its owns stresses and problems.
Fast forward to now: I am pretty sure that I live for sundays! It is the only day where I feel peace for more than 5 minutes at a time. Its the day when I won’t let myself work because its against the commandments (but I have thought about it multiple times) I have my first C after the past test. And Yes, mom I know that I should bring my grades up and yes that I took to much on. But plenty of people hold a job and go to school (wether they get As and Bs like me I do not know.) I have my goals to raise my B and current C back to As. And since the only guy I have actually wanted to date since being home from the mission friend zoned me this week. I think this is a reasonable goal. And yes it hurt a little more than I wanted it to. My dating streak has come to an end- now back to the library for late and lonely nights. I guess the library is how I cope. I can control how much home work I do and then hopefully get the As I expect of myself. Life is still good- even though there are a lot of things that stress me out if I start to think past the next 30 minutes- there is still a lot to be grateful for. I am so grateful that Katie and Carly came down this weekend. I loved playing waterpolo with Katie. And sometimes, I am so grateful that I can be immature with her and laugh a lot and do stupid impulsive things that Carly does not approve of ;) I am grateful for eternal families and especially the one that I have.
I am grateful for Alma 13:27-30, “And now, my brethren, I wish from the inmost part of my heart, yea, with great anxiety even unto pain, that ye would hearken unto my words, and cast off your sins, and not procrastinate the day of your repentance; But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek, submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering; Having faith on the Lord; having a hope that ye shall receive eternal life; having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter int his rest.” So, I am trying to become this scripture and have faith, hope that my life will go according to His plan, and to never let myself loose my ability to love all those around me no matter the circumstances that are happening in my life at the moment. I am very excited to come home for spring and summer and to finally feel at home for the first time probably since high school. I love you all and please know that I am doing okay.