So I get up today, like every other day, hoping that I've gotten enough rest to get me through another day. I've got big plans - try to finish at least the "clean out" part of Julie's room, yoga, Dr. appt. and water polo meeting - (Yep, big plans... but they are to me.) I check the blog to see if anyone but Jamie and I have written. Excitement. There's a post. I start to read to see if I can tell who it is from. I don't finish. I remember what I didn't write in my post yesterday.

...Stop it! I remember the heartfelt, agonizing prayers I had when I had missionaries. "Heavenly Father, tell me not how they're doing, but how I can help. Tell me what they need. Help me to help them." I don't know if any of you will ever feel this way as tears are streaming down my face and down my chest even as I write this. But time and time again the impression came. I tried, I did my best. Most of the time I never knew if I had even helped and as a parent you even learn sometimes that not only do you NOT help, but you cause things to be even worse. I've done that with Cassie and I'm sure I've done it with all of you. I am so sorry for those times.

To go along with my thoughts about Emma and to explain further. I had the impression to "Stop it!" Just be yourself. If you love the Lord with all thy heart, he will guide you. Our sincere desire is to be like him and to do that we need to follow HIM, not what others tell us or even what others think Christ wants us to do. It is very personal. We need to trust Him and in that trust, he will guide us. That is the first lesson that has to be learned as a missionary. A mission is a pattern for life.

When those words came into my mind I immediately thought of Cassie. When she first went out she struggled (I'm sure you all did) not thinking she was the best missionary. She couldn't do everything and she would never be able to do everything. I had written those words to her. She had heard a similar thing from her mission president. It was one of the moments when I had made a difference, the Lord does guide us and loves all of us.

I need to Stop it. I need to stop thinking that I need to be doing something more meaningful, that I have more potential in me, that I'm not using the talents the Lord has given me. I need to follow Christ and he will show me the way. Of course I have more potential in me, I am a child of God and have all the capacities that he has through my birthright. IF my desire is to serve him, and my focus remains on him then I need to TRUST and have faith (ACT) and he WILL show me the way I need to go. If that is cleaning closets, then right now it is cleaning closets. If it's writing a children's book or having a bigger part in the community or being a missionary or who knows what, he will show me.

I need to Stop it. Stop thinking that I don't do enough family history, that I'm not a good member missionary, that I don't truly love my neighbors. How can I be such a great mom when I really don't do anything? How can I teach my children to go out into the world and share their gifts when I hardly associate outside of the four walls of my home? I have been able to do some family history and I have been able to inspire others. I keep a Book of Mormon in my car and I pray to have missionary experiences and I know I need to stop saying how wonderful my children are and to say it's because of my church that brings me the gospel that gives me the covenants and testimony that brings me truth and light and love. I am a good neighbor. All my neighbors know me, respect me and with Marci and Scott, even moved here partly because of me (us). I do love my neighbors. And I do know that I am a good mom because I would do anything for my children. I realize what an honor it is to have the Spirits that have been given me. You are such a gift, such a treasure. I need to be me and let go of everything else. Just as a missionary needs to realize that the Lord needs them to be themselves, that he will mold you and place you where he needs you. You will be an instrument in his hands. AND being me is enough. I am a child of God. He knows me, he loves me and he wants to show me how to return to him.

I can't be perfect, only through Christ. I have to come to Him. I have to trust Him and follow Him.

This past week I was content, content to clean closets. Sorry that others maybe didn't see the value in what I do, but that's ok. He will show me. It is ok. I'm cleaning closets this week too, the same room, the same closet. Big plans. It is ok that I don't see the plates. It is ok that my counsel is to comfort others when it seems I need comforting. I know comfort will come. He is there. And I hope not, but maybe it's ok to stay behind, to watch you go on. (One thing I do know is that if I stay behind, I will be kicking your butt to keep you going and to get you out there, even if it means leaving me behind:)) Thank you for many many times being the vehicle that the Lord uses to comfort me. It almost always comes from you. That is why I love my family and have such a testimony of the family unit. It is a tight connection the Lord uses to show us the way.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path. Proverbs 3:5,6