Sealing and reflections

Well a lot has happened recently, but you were all there for it, so I'll just give thoughts this week instead of giving a time line.

With genealogy, I had a random thought. In baby blessings you often hear, "the name you will be known throughout your life and on the records of the church is....". Jon pointed out that baby blessings are not an ordinance, there is no exact phrasing required and that phrase is more tradition, like how we often say, "please bless the food, that it will make us healthy and strong" even if we're about to eat desserts and know God isn't going to magically make it healthy. But then with genealogy work, females use their maiden name. Even though jon and I have been married for three years and my legal name is Jamie Matthews, they still used Lang. If there is any doctrine on the matter, I don't think it matters but I wonder if my name is still Jamie Barbara Lang and the changing of the last name is just a tradition we hold to like exchanging rings to show others we belong together. Like I said, I don't think this really matters, but it was just a thought I had.

Then the actual sealing, I knew it would hit me when it happened, but I still thought (for some strange reason) that I wouldn't cry. But I did. A favorite moment: they brought George in to be sealed to us and he looked at me, binkie in his mouth, and gave me one of his good smiles.

I have also felt a lot of joy this week. I have an eternal family. Forming a new link, making a new generation, being sealed to jon and George reminded me of the eternal family I grew up in. I don't know how to explain what I felt or the full extent of what I felt on Saturday.

Being sealed also made me reflect on the past. I may have mentioned it before but Alma 38:12 (I think), says, "bridle all your passions that ye may be filled with love". There is also an opposite. When you do not bridle all your passions you end up on an emotional Rollercoaster (for any males reading this: I'm talking more than normal Pms and feminine mood swings). I knew I loved Jon but I had a hard time feeling that he loved me. I can also vouch for the fact that getting married does not solve the problem. I'm sure the following is true for any sin, big or small: stopping does not mean you've repented and it doesn't solve anything, there is still more to repentance. It took awhile for me to repent of my sins, even though I had stopped sinning, and it took even longer for me to learn how to apply the Atonement to myself based on someone else's sins. We know that Christ not only suffered for our sins but also our pains, sicknesses and sorrows, but learning to apply that was hard and I don't know if I've really learned it but I've felt it in my life and hopefully  would be able to apply it easier next time, cause in this world full of imperfect people, I'm bound to get hurt at least once more.

And lastly I've thought a little about addiction. I didn't really understand it a few years ago. One thing I learned is, once an addict, always an addict. Now this may sound depressing, and it is a little, or it may sound hopeless but it's not. A recovering addict may never yield to temptation again- that's hopeful. But it's still different than an average person. Let's say the addiction is alcohol. Imagine you are somewhere and are not addicted to alcohol. There are triggers for every addict, let's say one is extreme sadness . You reach a point and a sign says you have reached extreme sadness. Now you are not an addict, but ahead you see a sign for alcohol. You have many choices, you can walk to that sign, you can walk backwards, away from sadness, walk in any other direction or even just stand still and stare at the sign that says alcohol. Now let's say you are addicted to alcohol- the scene changes slightly. Once you reach the sign that says extreme sadness, you are already on an escalator heading down to the sign that says alcohol. You can't go to the right or left and you can't merely stand there. You still have a choice but you have to actively walk back up that descending escalator and turn away from the alcohol sign. An addict who doesn't want to succumb again learns to avoid the triggers, they look ahead for the signs that will lead towards their addiction. Some of those triggers are inevitable though. When they're foreseen, the addict can prepare himself to be ready to walk away and resist the pull. But if the trigger is something like extreme sadness, and someone dies suddenly, they have to have a plan in place to help them resist.
I can say that it's hard. It requires major lifestyle adjustments, but there is hope. You learn to make plans to help cope with certain triggers and to avoid as many triggers as possible. Life isn't about pushing the limits. We should try to seek out the best movies, the best books, the best TV shows. Life isn't about who can see the worst movie ever, or how many bad movies one can see. Neither should it be about how many triggers we can reach and then resist temptation. We shouldn't seek temptation, but we should know our weaknesses and be prepared. Go about doing good and trying to get closer to the Savior instead of skirting the edges, full of temptations, triggers, cliffs and sorrow. Make boundaries for yourself to avoid temptation, not sin. And when you have a family make those boundaries for the weakest (see the beginning of D&C 89).

Just Some Thoughts-

     Im sorry I am a day late, Mondays are now my busy days :( School has started and I am tired already. I had 5 classes yesterday and boy was it a long day! (one of them I do not have to go to, the one that I TA for, but I like it and I will probably miss here and there when I am super tired or am behind on work). Day one and I already have a lot to do; I have found myself on 3 intermural teams, taking 6 hardish classes, got a job (TA position) and then we are trying to get this new Relief Society Presidency rolling. So, I went to bed early last night because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. But I figured it out- inter murals and Relief Society activities will be my main social life and then its just school and keeping up on grading papers as a TA. I will be exercising in swim class and then on my various teams- so it will be a stressful fun semester! Oh and I have an appointment with my counselor to talk about Malawi and some other things- now we just need dad's approval and this will get started. Everyone I talk to are 1. super excited for me and 2. jealous! I don't know where it will take me but for now it feels like I am at least supposed to start going down this path.
     I guess my thought on the Christmas break: I think it has been one of my favorites. It was so nice to just be a family again. I realized that I really haven't been home with everyone for 4 years, someone is gone doing something amazing or it was filled with getting stuff done. So, mom, it was nice to have everything planned. We planned what we thought was most important and for us, that is family dinners with yummy food! ;) It was fun eating together, cooking and cleaning, playing games, watching movies and getting errands done to throw another awesome party! We are kinda amazing. The sealing was beautiful and George was the perfect baby for the job, no fussing just looking around the room and holding onto Jamie's finger. The Spirit was there and it comforts all of us to have the blessings of the sealing power apply to our family.
I know we made a difference for grandma and grandpa. I think it went better than we expected. Going to the temple with them to help them do our relatives that were close to them. Just seeing them tear up and thank us multiple times shows that they appreciated us and the tiny sacrifice we made to give an afternoon of our time. Plus, now we have a good starting point to continue to do our families work.
Being home for christmas was what I needed. I so often forget all the good things, get wrapped up in my own life and my own path that I forget how much I love being home. I read an article last night in the December ensign and a part really rung true to what I have been feeling every since I came home from my mission. I am not too worried about dating and getting married, I try my best to be outgoing and talk to people and make myself available; trusting that God will provide if I am doing what is right. Then, there was a statement that talked about how we should build upon the eternal relationships we already have while waiting to find our eternal companion. So, no I am not married and not even really close to that but I have siblings, parents, cousins, grandparents that I do not always know that much about. These are the most important relationships that I often take for granted- so I should take the time that I am given to build my relations with my sealed family while working on starting my own. (Don't take this the wrong way I will still have other friends too). Also, in the article it made the statement to take every travel opportunity which i found odd. I wondered why did they put that in- I feel like I have done that and continue to do that (wanting to go to Samoa/Tonga/Africa). Then I hypothesized that some single adults never explore the world because they are afraid of missing their opportunity to get married, they don't want to leave Provo or wherever because of what if. I realized that I am very opposite of that mentality and I am grateful for that. I have been privileged to go to many places and it has helped strengthen my talents to love regardless of differences.
    I am like mom where I miss home already, but I know it will be okay. Our paths may take us different directions but the greatest blessing is knowing that because of the sealing power we can all have our paths meet up again if we obey our covenants and follow the prophet! I miss you all and love you. Not sure when we will all be together again but I pray it will be sooner rather than later. 

Don't like it, but life goes on.

We don't like it, but life goes on...

I'm not very happy today. Carly, Cassie and Katie left this morning. I miss them. Said goodbye to Danny and Michelle that leave tomorrow, although they'll be back. Jamie, Jon and GEORGE leave tomorrow and I don't know when I'll see them. I just want one simple thing. I want us all to be together.

But it's like we stand at a crossroads with 8 different roads stretching out in front of us. We each have a different road to take. We know that somewhere they will connect again. We know each road will be filled with adventure, fun, struggles and the unknown. There's a tinge of anxiousness of something new and also a sadness of leaving the old and what we love.

I'll admit that although it will be a lot of work packing up Christmas, cleaning the house, returning gifts, doing laundry, making beds, getting back in a routine and exercising, setting and starting to reach new goals - I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready just like all of you are ready to either get back to your old lives or starting new chapters in your life.

Life is getting more complicated. I don't really know when we'll all be together again, but I know we are sealed. We can be together again, someday and whether that day is sooner or later, it brings me peace knowing that is true. What a blessing!

But tonight, tomorrow and for a little while I have a heavy heart. I don't like it, but life goes on. I hope you all know how much I truly love you and want only the best for you. My purpose in life is to help you get those things in your life. My next hope it to be a part of it and be able to share it with you.

Thank you for the love you give to me. Thank you for the caring people you are. Whichever road you take, my heart will be with you always.

I love you.

xo Mommy

The Unwrapped Gift

Well, this past week was finals, some crazy days, and coming home. Finals- they are done that is what I can say. I am grateful that I worked hard throughout the semester so that no matter how much I studied for these finals when the grades weren't as high as I wanted I still passed all of my classes with anywhere from an A to a B+. A few things have stuck out to me and I am not sure if they relate to each other but I will write them down and maybe find a meaning at the end- but I might not either.

One was a post that I saw on fb from 2 weeks ago- someone posted about their last class and how amazing it is to go to byu where they can ask if there are any final questions before the finals next week and then in the next sentence say, "I want you to remember that even if you fail these finals, or remember nothing from this class; really in the grand scheme none of this matters. I do hope you remember that we have the gospel of Jesus Christ and it is through Him that we can return to live with our Heavenly Father and that is what truly matters." I found it amazing that a professor, who generally thinks their subject is the only one that matters can turn around and say that the gospel is what is truly important. Yes, sometimes Provo can be a bit of a bubble full of the typical "Mormons" but sometimes that is actually really nice.

Two, I got to see 2 families from Lanai this past week. The first was the Kawasakis and as Sister Duke and I were there for dinner they offered to have us live there while they went back to Lanai. It sounded so great but as I realized this was for real; I sort of panicked. That would mean selling my contact in a week, possibly leaving a ward that I didn't particularly love until 2 weeks prior packing up all of my stuff and then passing my finals too. Yep, it is safe to say that I did not handle that well. No matter what I chose I felt like I was letting someone down, either moving and having to tell amy and leaving the RS Presidency after a week of being called to it or tell Sister Duke that she was going to have to move back home. I felt sick and overwhelmed at my options and realized how much I do not like feeling obligated to people. I went to the temple and cried and felt guilty for not studying. I decided I would try my best to move and so I sent in a waiver to see if it was possible to get the house approved but the likelihood is not high. I mentioned it to Amy and she said she would be okay. That was my break down moment that hadn't happened in a long time.
The other family, the Bradfords. It was so amazing to see them again. I love them and their rambunctious kids- we laughed and talked and played uno with them. Nothing changed and I love that. It was my fear that once I wan't a missionary anymore that they would forget me or it just wouldn't be the same. I am grateful that they still love me and I think part of it is because I was still me as a missionary.

There is a girl in my ward that found out that her mom has cancer that has spread to other parts of her body. It has been rough on her - so some of my favorite moments was writing her a note and leaving it on her door. Then making her soup and homemade croutons for dinner another night. She is such a sweet girl and I pray that good news will be coming to her family.
I am getting tired so I will wrap this up. I guess the connection is that the gospel and people are what matters the most. It isn't all about the material we learn or things we know its about who and how we serve. I fell in love with international nutrition because I will constantly be helping others. It was the girls I could serve and the people that became a part of my ohana that gave me peace and helped me to feel the Spirit stronger in my life. Its the Christmas season, full of presents, stockings and candy- but I hope to be able to recognize all of the little gifts that go unwrapped or cannot be wrapped. 

Dishwasher hack and Christmas advent

So this last week: last Monday George and I went with Jon out to Illinois for a pizza party with the children's choir. The rest of the week I don't fully remember except I was trying to get ready to come to California and George was good running around and doing errands with me. We think we fixed the dishwasher- I tried some hacks I found online. We emptied the dishwasher of dishes and ran an empty load with lemonade powder- it cleaned it really well. Then we half filled the dishwasher and ran it with less gel detergent and some more lemonade powder (this is also supposed to help if you find streaks on your dishes after washing them).

Anyways, we had a blow out on the plane and I think you all know the rest, since everyone came home so now for a spiritual thought.

I've been thinking about a few things. First one that's less Christmas-y. I asked Carly about her first kiss and in not so many words, there were no fireworks. It reminded me of Jon. There were no fireworks. I was not wrapped up in the physical aspect of romance when I got my answer. I think it's good that Carly likes him for him and not some physical aspect. It made me realize that I want to record testimony builders for me, including the fact that when we "bridle all our passions we may be filled with love " (not a direct quote from Alma 38:12). The physical aspect of love is good and important but it can mask the other parts that need to be there for a relationship to work. Meaning, if we get wrapped up in the fireworks of a kiss, our judgement will hide the other things. So we may be spiritually compatible, or mentally compatible, but it's sometimes much harder to decipher. I don't know if Andrew is the one for Carly but I think she's on the right path to finding out.

The other thing I'm going to include is my notes for a Christmas advent calendar. If you like my idea, feel free to comment or check back as I make changes from notes to the full idea.

Since we all like gifts but want to remember the Savior, I want a Christmas present advent calendar of sorts that I can use with my family to remember Christy and the gifts he has given. Each will include a small gift that reminds my kids of Christ and what he has given us. I also want to include a sorry story with each- I don't know if I want to do uplifting Christmas stories or stories about Christ but something to help us remember the real meaning of Christmas.

Acts 20:35, " It is more blessed to give than to receive."

1. "the opportunity to assume personal responsibility is a God-given gift without which we cannot realize our full potential as daughters and sons of God. Personal accountability becomes both a right and a duty that we must constantly defend; it has been under assault since before the Creation. We must defend accountability against persons and programs that would (sometimes with the best of intentions) make us dependent. And we must defend it against our own inclinations to avoid the work that is required to cultivate talents, abilities, and Christlike character." ("Free forever, to act for themselves" d Todd christofferson, ensign November 2014)
Idea: some type of goal chart to use for the new year to make goals and be accountable for them

2. He is the gift- Mormon message
"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son," to be our friend, our guide and our shepherd. Candy canes

3. Atonement: john 3:16-17, " ¶For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." Life savers.

4. Scriptures

5. Holy ghost

6. Eternal life

7. Prophets

8. Family

9. Light.  Light of the world. Lights/candles

10. Repentance- NUTS: Nuts are a traditional Christmas food, not only because they ripen in fall, before the dead of winter, and can be kept for months if stored properly, but also because they are symbols of repentance. Saint Anthony of Padua brought out this connection very well. Nuts have three parts to them, Anthony said, the bitter skin which encased the nut on the tree, the leathery hull, and the nut meat. The bitter skin splits on the tree when the nut is ripe and the ripened nut falls to earth. Anthony likened the bitter skin to the bitterness of penance which is always bitter to begin. However, this bitterness will release the sinner to seek forgiveness. The hard shell of the nut represents perseverance, because penance, if sincere, requires this virtue. "With perseverance, a sinner who is sorry can perform the most difficult penance. In the sweet kernel, we rejoice in the hope of forgiveness. . .  At the place of change, at the place of penance, the Lord appears."* Only those who are repentant can find the Christ Child and seek the forgiveness offered them by Him.

 GINGERBREAD MAN: The gingerbread man does not create himself but rather is created. Gingerbread people remind us of God's creation of Adam in the Garden of Eden, and God's creation of each of us. Spices, reminiscent of those mentioned in the Old Testament, make the gingerbread man the color of earth (Adam was created from the dust of the earth). Like us, gingerbread people are not immortal. They are destined to be eaten and thus to unite with their creators. God does  not eat us (rather we consume His Body and Blood in the Eucharist), but our mortal bodies, like that of the gingerbread man's, will not live forever. God created us for eternal union with Him after we die. Gingerbread people remind us to look beyond ourselves to our Creator with whom we will one day be united.

 As Christian Christmas symbols, evergreens symbolize perseverance and resiliency to adversity.

Are We Not All Beggars?

So, I just had an interesting experience this past week

- that was a little tender mercy to me in a very odd way. I am going to a Chanukah party tonight and was going to bring something- but I needed some stuff so to the store I went. Got all my stuff for the party food and then oreo peppermint bark for a Holiday party at Eden's and for the RS sisters. I finished paying and went to put the cart away as Amy finished buying hers. There was a 40ish year old man grabbing a cart and I just say, "Hi," cause we made eye contact. Then he sarcastically says, "Oh, you must be another married Mormon girl." I chuckled, quickly thinking should I be concerned if this guy is hitting on me... and say, "Actually, no I am single." He looked a bit startled and replies, "No, what happened to you?" Me- "Well, I went on a mission and haven't found the right one yet." Then, he goes on and one about his 4 kids, how he has been divorced, how hard it has been for him, he served a mission... half the time I couldn't understand what he was saying and by now I could smell alcohol and smoke on him. He just needs to talk- he mentions how he isn't a celestial person and that broke my heart. I remind him that he can become one- it is all about progression and becoming better little by little. We tried to leave a few times but he just kept talking, at one point he teared up. But when we finally were leaving, he thanked us for stopping to talk, when most people would just walk away. I don't know if he will remember anything we talked about but I hope he does. I hope that he remembers that he can change and is a son of God. I hope he remembers 2 single Mormon girls that stopped to talk that didn't judge. I wondered how many girls and would have hated that experience... I loved it! Amy didn't. It makes me sad that so often we loose sight of the big picture, we don't remember in the pre existence we were all friends and family who loved each other and then we come here to Earth. One bad decision and you are no longer my brother. I know sometimes I fall short and have a judgmental thought but I hope that little by little they will be less until they are gone. Sometimes, I am walking home and realize that I am not smiling, in fact, Im probably looking a little pissed off at who knows what, nothing important thats for sure. Then a thought comes to mind that was given in a conference, "The world has enough rough hard and hateful people; what we need is someone soft and quiet spoken open to loving others."
     This past weekend was our ward christmas party and we had a talent show- I made the effort to sit with a girl i didnt know and then invite everyone that came in to sit at our table. I really got to know some people and it was really fun. I performed my animal noises and now everyone knows me for them. They liked the switch up. Then the last act was supposed to have everyone start dancing... 5 of us did. A kid name Craig came and grabbed me and then a few people followed. Why are we so concerned with what people think- I thought it so dumb that the other 30 people wouldn't come dance. They would rather watch someone make a fool of themselves than be caught having fun? I am glad that sometimes I get over my stupid fear and just do it. I may not like it, but I am sure glad that I didn't just watch it fall. Then at the end, Bishop gave a spiritual thought on Christmas and talked about Elder Holland's talk, "Are We Not all Beggars?" ( I would advise reading it or watching it again cause it is amazing). He talked about how he was able to help someone this year as he ate lunch he saw a rougher looking man with a beard that reminded him of Santa, who was looking for cans and rummaging through various trash cans. My Bishop remembered that his office recycles and ran up and grabbed the bag full of cans and came back to the street as the man was walking away he shook the bag. Of course the homeless man heard the cans and turned and graciously accepted the cans. It wasn't much- it took a total of 5 minutes.  I thought of the man I had talked to. Are we not all beggars? I may be begging for something different than him; but, I am still begging. I need salvation just like him and I can't think that I am somehow better off- I have not earned my way to Heaven. Wether it is by 10, 15 of 50 feet we will All still be short of Heaven and be pleading for help up. I hope that I can be an instrument in raising even just a few of my brothers and sisters a little bit higher.
    After the Christmas party I came home and made chocolate oreo peppermint bark. It took a long time but I wanted the RS sisters to know that we loved them. It was a big hit and mom taught me to always find a way to relate it to the lesson. So I thought of the candy canes as my symbol. Mosiah 14:6 says, "All we, like sheep, have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way; and the Lord hath lad on him the iniquities of us all...Because he hath poured out his should unto death; and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he vote the sins of many, and made intercession for the transgressors." We all go astray, we all make mistakes BUT Christ is always there to bring us back in. He reaches out and hooks us with His cane and guides us back to the fold. Other times it is a friend that brings us back. So, I challenged the sisters to find someone that they could bring closer to Christ as they themselves remembered the Saviors gift and Atonement this time of year. I thought of the man at the grocery store. I lifted him as much as I could, and I hope I don't pass by the opportunities to give 5 minutes or whatever it takes to help another. Merry Christmas!!!

Following the spirit

So I'm starting this on Sunday and we've had a busy time. Lots of errands this week. We also got Christmas presents from grandma Patsy! Just in case any were bigger jon had her ship them here. We haven't had much self control. I will say George loves one of his toys, or loves me when I'm playing with it? Anyways, I'm probably bringing that one with us, we'll see. And I got a nice camera to take pictures of George with. I haven't had time to charge it or see if it needs batteries yet. Friday we had Friday forum (institute) and our young married institute class that Jon and I were in charge of conducting. There are a few other babies in the class. As a testament of how cute George is, in Friday forum, there's this guy, Curtis Crafton, who has 4 of his own cute kids, and he says, "I need to hold him. Can i?" And then this guy Ross Coughanhour, (coke-an-hour), who has three of his own cute kids, stole him from Curtis. Most guys don't get baby crazy like us girls do, and they both have "babies" of their own (the Crafton's is one and the Coughanhour's is younger), and they still wanted to hold George. Curtis even got a laugh out of George. Maybe unfortunately, more people watched George than the general conference talk.

Saturday, jon got an oil change and I lost track of time snuggling and talking to George. When Jon got back I had to hurry and get ready. We, with the institute choir were singing and ringing a bell for salvation army outside of the sears in the mall. George was good, slept and let me bounce him and hold him. (Also, we were behind on dishes. Important to the rest of our Saturday. ) Then home and the sister missionaries were coming at 5:30 to make chocolate chip cookies, eat dinner and then go caroling to a few less actives, a few investigators and some of our neighbors. Well we got home and after having tried a few times, realized our  dishwasher is broken- the soap dispenser won't open and still won't clean the dishes even if we leave the dispenser open, so we were still handwashing dishes when the sisters came.

The sisters came and we went caroling, bearing gifts. That went well, and we met an investigator of the elders (the sisters work with the less active wife) and some less actives.

Sunday, we got ready, then went early for choir for our ward's Christmas program. We left immediately after sacrament and drove to Illinois where Jon's children's choir had their winter concert. Then before that was over but after they performed we drove straight back for our stake's Christmas program. Then we met with the stake president and I got to talk briefly to a few people. Then home before 10. Oh and George had his first blow out at church. I thought it was just a dirty diaper, so in between musical numbers I went to change him, but I didn't grab the whole diaper bag or his change of clothes, so he went back in, mostly naked where I changed him in a corner, in my lap.

News: George has rolled over twice, but definitely is scooting. He has slept through the night twice now and tonight he sleet for a good 7 hours straight.  :-) course I'm still waking up, but soon. I might get normal sleep again soon.

Spiritual thought: our married institute class was on the guidance of the spirit. We talked about different things, one was on how we remove our personal feelings from the equation so we can decipher the spirit. He didn't have a direct answer but it made me reflect. When our personal feelings are opposite our answer, I think it's easy to decipher, because we don't want to "give ourselves" certain answers. Example: on my mission my companion and I prayed to know what to do. The prayer ended, we sat in silence for a short time and then my companion says, "what do you feel we should do? " my response: "I don't want to say, what do you feel we should do?" The response, "I don't want to say either. Alright, on the count of three ". The answer was tracting. So we prayed about a street. It was an unusually slow day. Most of the time we would see a lot of people who were busy or not interested, this time no one seemed to be home. It was such a strong answer and I started to wonder if we were only tracting to show our obedience. We decided to do three more houses, after an hour of just walking and knocking on empty homes. THE LAST house, Isaac came to the door. He was my only baptism from tracting. He happened to be black, and most wards had a hard time fellowshipping them. But Isaac was different. I didn't keep in contact, he liked to fall in love with the sisters and wanted several to come back and marry him, but I later talked to a member of the ward who said he was active, he had the Priesthood, he was the ward's favorite convert, and since he had shown diligence in riding his bike to church every week (even as an investigator) and it was over an hour bike ride, the ward chipped in and got him a car. Other examples of the spirit in my life include mooching to indiana. We were both fasting on whether to move to Camarillo or woodland hills or Moorpark, or another surrounding city. Walking into church I felt, maybe Bloomington. After church jon tells me,  "earlier today I was thinking and I would like you to consider Bloomington as a possibility." Sometimes the answer isn't something we dread, like tracting, but sometimes it comes from almost nowhere and is unexpected. These answers are easier to decipher than the ones I'm about to talk about. (Bloomington has been a huge blessing for us, even though we want to end up near family. We know we are meant to be here.)

Lastly, deciphering the spirit when we aren't sure if our desires are our answer or not. Thesev are the hardest-is  it the spirit or we just want it to be? On my mission we were once walking in the ghetto trying to contact a few people we had met previously. Every now and then my imagination will run wild. What if the spirit warned me of something and I left, but knew what I had left-i could have a great story to tell later. What if a tornado blew through and I saw it? Well I don't remember what, but my imagination was thinking about something where I started to want to leave. But I thought I was just scaring myself, so I didn't mention anything to my companion, but I did say a silent prayer as I continued walking. I asked for a sign, and in my prayer I said i wasn't asking  for a sign for belief, but I just wanted to know if He wanted me to leave or if I wanted to leave, I needed a little extra help knowing if it was actually an answer. I don't believe asking for reassurance about an answer is wrong, as long as we aren't trying to change the answer. I also feel we can ask for that radiance to come in a different way (though we can't just ask for a Joseph Smith experience and expect one). Kinda of like the bible has a few witnesses in the new Testament,but the book of Mormon, from a different continent helps solidify or testimony. Well, back to the example, here's the part I've shared before. A guy came out waving around a rifle, very carelessly. I looked at my companion. No words were spoken. There was no fear. But I knew that was my answer. We did not belong there at that time. (We did, later have a convert from that complex, but we weren't on our way to see her that night). With deciphering answers- pray. Think of everything Christ has done for you. Reflect on past answers. Consider your options. Make a choice. Then consider an option you don't especially want, humble yourself and be ready to accept and follow it. Ask if the decision you made its wrong, and keep mentally prepping yourself to follow the answer you don't want. In this humble state, where I'm ready to receive and act on the answer i don't want is when I get my strongest answers-and sometimes they are what I want. And if you start to doubt if it was really an answer, read D&C 6 and remember your answer. Ask to feel that way again for reassurance if it's right. Don't ask for a different answer (we all know that ends badly) but all for the reassurance that will give you the courage to follow your answer. May we all follow the spirit this Christmas season. And now, I feel I should close in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. (And with a few pictures of George.)

Thoughts at Christmastime

I've been writing down notes in my phone during the week of things that have impressed me. These are a few of those notes.

You can't give the Spirit of Christmas. We can give gifts that represent our love for each other or actually shows how we want to take care of each other and make each other happy through our wants. But that is not the Spirit of Christmas. We can have the Spirit of Christmas and it may come through song or service, but it can't be given away, maybe shared. The thought came to me that the Spirit of Christmas is something you have to look for. You have to desire it. Each person has to attain it for himself, almost like a testimony.

It's easy to give, but ESPECIALLY at Christmas it is SO important to RECEIVE. I've said that there are two kinds of people in this world "Givers" or "Takers" and I've always wanted to be a "Giver". Well, I've been thinking a little different. I want to be a "Giver" and I want to be a "Receiver" - still don't desire to be a "Taker". Somehow that seems prideful and being a "Receiver" requires humility and contentment and gratitude. He has so much to offer us - not to take, but to receive.

Christ was the first gift and it was given by Heavenly Father. Through his life he gave love, life, peace and hope.

True happiness only comes from making someone else happy.

The way to Bethlehem was not easy. It was a rough road. They were tired and I'm sure somewhat discouraged, but they were never lost and never forgotten by our Father in Heaven. Sometimes life can seem like the road to Bethlehem.

Shepherds were followers just like we are. They were told "Fear Not, I bring you good tidings of great joy for unto you is born this day in the city of David and this shall be a sign you shall find a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger". They saw. They heard. And then the important part, They Went in HASTE. They had to follow. They had to search and find. The Shepherds went to worship. How do we worship? Do we worship by the hustling and bustling of shopping or decorating? Or do we worship by Sharing the Spirit of Christ, by lifting the heavy hearted, by following the Spirit when it is so strong this time of year. Don't push it aside. It is the very essence of the season.

I was thinking of the passover and when Christ washed and anointed the apostles feet. Think about letting someone wash your feet. Now think about the Savior washing your feet.  I don't have words to express the feelings.

During the Passover Christ instigated the sacrament. I'm sure the apostles didn't fully understand it's meaning, but they felt something and knew it was holy. They did it without knowing. Sometimes we may have to do things that we don't know, but we feel.

I'm trying to remember to drop the "mas" (meaning "more") in Christmas.

And last but not least I wanted to share a little tender moment. I struggle sometimes wondering if I should make changes. I don't think like others and I don't fit in easily. I want to do what the Lord wants me to do and not what is necessarily easy. I sense I have many talents, but I often wonder if I use them. Should I be doing other things and have a bigger impact on others? I haven't felt like I've been understood by the Church. I don't fit in the mainstream so my needs don't get addressed. I don't scream and whine for affirmation. Well I was listening to an old Christmas devotional and the words "And her name shall be Mary". I've heard those words many times. They had a huge impact on me as I realized I was receiving revelation. Her name was Mary and God knew her and loved her. My name is also known and he loves me too. It doesn't really matter if anyone else knows me or loves me. It brought peace and comfort that the gospel of Jesus Christ brings. It reminded me of the love my Heavenly Father has for me.

Maybe these words will give you an idea. Share your thoughts - or even just one thought.

Love you. Merry Christmas!

xo Mommy