So much happened this week. A lot of good and a lot hard. But hey, that is life. Grandpa's funeral was such a tender mercy to me. I had a little anxiety to see how it all would turn out with all of us together after so many years of hurt, pain, and unasked for forgiveness. I cried mostly because this was the first time that we were all there, no glares, no awkward moments of tension. We were once again a united family. I have often wondered how I would like going to Heaven when I had so many scars by people that I was supposed to love, how was my wedding day going to be going to the temple and not sure if I wanted everyone there? This was the greatest farewell present we could have given Grandpa, the once again united family that he spent so much time trying to do. We will still have our differences, we have the past which if we dwell upon it will still hurt but there is no point in that. We have an incredible future to look forward to. Family was the most important thing to Grandpa and I am sad that it took his passing to bring us all back together but it gave me hope to see it. The miracle is that we are slowly healing, I can finally look at people and my first thoughts are no longer the pain they caused me. I thought I had truly forgiven; but, I am still learning that there is so much more than just letting it go; then, we must move forward giving them a clean slate and truly forgetting.
Little things helped me to realize that most friends will come and go in our lives but our family is the ones that we will always go back to. This weekend I hiked Mt. Timpanogos (it is a super hard hike! but worth it) I of course don't have the needed equipment but I knew Mikaela did so I asked to borrow her's and she said yes. Told me little hints to stay warm and shared all the knowledge she had about hiking with me, Brandon made sure that I had a warm jacket and gloves. Its been a long time but I felt loved and close to what we used to be. Eden, Dakota (her husband), Dorff (an elder from my mission that I have spend a good amount of time with) hiked and it was so beautiful. My favorite part was staring into the stars, and just wondering what Heavenly Father saw as he looked down His magnificent creations. Light came after we watched the sun rise and the colors trees came to full view of yellows, oranges, and reds. It was worth the soreness, lack of sleep, cold and blisters. Later that day, I returned Mikaela's stuff with Amy and she had us stay for dinner; no more awkward feelings, unsure of what I could or should say. I could be me again and that felt amazing. Sunday afternoon I went on a walk with Alisa and it was a favorite moment of my weekend. Simple but a lesson God is teaching me.
Sunday was what I needed, we had a great lesson, just the end stuck out to me of how to hear the Spirit. I have a lot of questions about where my life is going what I should be doing with my spare time, job, volunteer, or what? If I am at the right school? Should I be looking into grad programs and if so which ones. We talked about when Elijah asks the woman for some water and a morsel of bread. She replies, "As the LORD thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die." (1 Kings 17) No I am not on the verge of death but sometimes I do feel like that I am running on empty. Then the Lord asks me to trust; just as Elijah asked this woman to trust him and then to watch carefully as the miracles proceeded. I am hiking in the dark right now, trusting that the sun will rise, knowing that great will follow as I put the Lord first and allow Him to direct me. My answer is not going to come in the commotions of life, but as I am still, as I read the scriptures, as I pray, as I attend church and the temple. I am doing what I need to be doing for now. I am beginning to see color in the sky, no sun quite yet but I know it will come and the sunrise He shows me will be magnificent!
Sunday was what I needed, we had a great lesson, just the end stuck out to me of how to hear the Spirit. I have a lot of questions about where my life is going what I should be doing with my spare time, job, volunteer, or what? If I am at the right school? Should I be looking into grad programs and if so which ones. We talked about when Elijah asks the woman for some water and a morsel of bread. She replies, "As the LORD thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die." (1 Kings 17) No I am not on the verge of death but sometimes I do feel like that I am running on empty. Then the Lord asks me to trust; just as Elijah asked this woman to trust him and then to watch carefully as the miracles proceeded. I am hiking in the dark right now, trusting that the sun will rise, knowing that great will follow as I put the Lord first and allow Him to direct me. My answer is not going to come in the commotions of life, but as I am still, as I read the scriptures, as I pray, as I attend church and the temple. I am doing what I need to be doing for now. I am beginning to see color in the sky, no sun quite yet but I know it will come and the sunrise He shows me will be magnificent!